User:Thijshijsijsjss/Notes on The New Year

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Pre-Trimester

Reflective Corner

The little extra energy you spend to reflect is worth it. Don't be afraid

Notes on Notes

By now, I think I can say I'm a fan of the wiki. I have been wikiing lots, and, generally, it has been a medium rewarding the energy put into it. However, over the course of the year, I have felt different pushes and pulls of this space, applied different modes of using and populating it, had different aims and goals in doing so. Going into The New Year, I figured it'd be worthwhile to (briefly, hopefully) reflect on my wiki practise. Partially for my own peace of mind. Partially to get in the habit of (reflective) writing again for The New Year. Partially, secretly, because the wiki might play a role in my graduation work. Who knows.

There are two modes of wikiing that are notable factors in propelling my wiki usage in the early days. The first being my 'diary' pages (SI22, SI23, SI24). There was -- is -- a lot to take in, and I have found it useful and grounding to process these thoughts through the wiki. During the Special Issues, this was very sensible with regards to collecting material throughout the trimester, that might later be used somehow. It being a public (or semi public) space played a role in that, too. Though our trajectory will tend to involve more individual work, I see merit in continuing this practise. I'm trying to embrace sensitivity, honesty, intimacy and curiosity more and more, and this space has proven to be one that is both inviting and challengeing in that regard.

Second, I made a Choose (Create) Your Own Adventure minigame the first week of school. I think I did this out of insecurity. It turned out to be a foreboding project though, with CYOA being a recurring theme in my year 1 interests. (Or maybe it wasn't so much foreboding, but rather this project being the first in a reactionary chain of succeeding projects.) The wiki is a funny place. It is so awkwardly, intimately public. And malleable. WikiBabble, a project with Alessia that turns the wiki as a instant messaging service, is another example of how this medium can be bend and pushed. I don't know what the future will hold for projects like these. Sometimes I worry about their longevity -- not that the wiki will crumble, but rather that my role in this place has a due date. After I'm an expired publisher (xpub darkest timeline), will I still be able to connect to these projects? After moving out of my house in Utrecht, I had to remove all postcards on my postcard wall. This was an emotionally laborious process. Since then, I haven't been able to return to these postcards, their emotional weight being too heavy. Maybe wiki projects, like these postcards, should be allowed to be time capsules. But there's a practicality to it, too. I'm graduating for myself, yes, but it surely will be nice to have something to show for these years, something to hold on to after leaving.

In the course of the year, there's been plenty more use cases for the wiki. Collecting SI material, working on methods materials, my reader, PTMoMNBMs, documentation. This latter use case is one which I have found to be surprisingly rewarding, the feeling of contributing to a community. This is the flipside of the expiration date: the reassurance that these contributions might outlive me.

So, what is this page? Without the structure of the SIs, I need to spend some energy on structuring myself -- don't you dare think I don't need structure!. I want to notice my enjoyment, and feel like a need some help with that. I feel the need to keep myself accountable to some goals and boundaries I set for myself. So, here we are: a new diary page.

Moving Day

2024-09-02 was Studio Moving Day. Don't get fooled by this name, it is actually a ritual of evolution, where XPUB1 becomes XPUB2 and XPUB2, though not present in the flesh, is set free to spread their wings beyond the confines of the studio space. Like our first collaborative task last year was deciding on a studio layout, it felt nostalgic to return to this once more. Empowering, too, seeing how our communication (and joy therein) has grown. It was a good day for me -- dare I say the best of the summer break. It wasn't even that spectacular on paper, but words cannot do justice to how different I felt from my summerly modus operandi. In turn, though, I'm dreading the post-graduation void already, realizing how much of my social life is centered around the people here, how much of my excitement is, too. Excitement not just for work, but also for being a person. 'Work generates work', and it seems like 'being generates being'. For now, just being here, surrounded by my lovely classmates, sparks ideas and brings motivation, and might perpetuate and even evolve my being beyond my boldest imagination.

A Wild Pen Plotter Appeared at De Boog!

Over summer, in attempts to keep the pen plotting spirit high and to become a little more social media literate, I created an account (plaatje.hpgl) to post some of my plotted album covers. Near the end of the break, I got a message from Tisa (who was later revealed to be an xpub alimnus) about a plotter at De Boog that had been collecting dust. Of course I was excited to check it out!

This was a really nice evening. Pen plotting is fun as always, there was some mutual curiosity (me about De Boog, Tisa about the plotter), and I think I got a feeling of some level of 'expertise': these machines don't scare me, but instead I'm happy to throw myself at them. Moreover, the feeling that this meetup was somehow the result of putting my work out there is new for me, but very motivating! I plan to return to De Boog next week or the one after. Who knows what this continued exploration will bring. Tisa at least was very inviting to a pen plotting party at De Book...

A Trip to Groningen

After SI24, we were invited by Groningen-based experimental project space SIGN to adapt / extent our Counter-Tourist Information Center project to the city of Groningen. This would be a residency with a working period for the month of september, and a launch event September 26-29.

I was excited to join this project. Not only might it give me an outlet for feelings of unrealised dreams for the SI, but also should it be an educational experience. Never have I done such a residency, and I hope it will help me gain some confidence.

SIGN_SPREAD_Zinefest_2024

For a few days, I went to Groningen together with Maria, Wang and Zuzu to experience the city. We got to meet Marie-Jeanne and Ron from SIGN, which was lovely. Against all my insecurity ridden control seeking tendencies, I decided to go on this trip without much of a plan, just to soak in whatever the city would throw at me. And I did. I mainly spent time loitering and doing some every day activities. Initial thoughts are summarized here. I hope to continue this unassuming exploring into the next weeks, and extent that feeling into the process of creation. We'll have to see how that goes, especially considering the starting school year. But I'm happy with the way I've been able to deal with all the stimuli while there, that's promising for my resolutions for this new year.

Show and Tell

Today, 2024-09-10, we got to formally meet XPUB1 by means of a show and tell. I showed and told as follows (paraphrased):

Hey, I'm Thijs. I use pronouns he/they and this is a photo of a zulip message of a photo of a printout of a photo. It was taken on Septmeber 12 of last year, the day of the previous show and tell. I am XPUB2 now, and this is a very existential moment for me. it is very inviting for reflection upon the last year, who I was last year, and for future prospection, I suppose. That's why I brought this photo: I still feel this lingering past self, but now framed in all these new layers. It is a very confusing feeling. That's it.

Left is the shown photo. Right is the new situation. I think this is worthwhile adding here, I still find myself in new layers, and I don't have a doubt the new studio and social environment will add more interesting ones still. It is a reminder that feeling lost can be just a matter of embracing kaleidoscopic vision, not to see all the layers, but to feel reassured that you're always moving to new ones.

T minus 10h19m

Today I was thinking about [certain life event from a while ago], and asked myself if I have moved on to a new stage of processing said event. Actually, it was [person involved] who asked it. Well, said person's image as they live in my head. The conversation went as follows (paraphrased)

[We are meeting in a café near Rotterdam Centraal]
> Thijs, have you moved on?
"I think so"
> Can you give me one example why you think so?
"Hmm. Last week I was settling into the studio, into the new year. It was a moment of reflection. In this moment, amidst old and new faces, I saw myself through the marks I've left behind here in one year. And I felt confident in seeing myself that way. No longer do I compulsively see myself through the marks of [said event] only."

This is a positive thing. However, I do acknowledge the reassurance of this is still volatile. In the evenings I get very anxious. Evenings usually start at 14:00 these days. I worry that I won't manage. That's not a worry, that's an assessment: I am not managing. It's all too much yet also so deeply not enough. I think I should start considering living without roommates. I should look for a job again. In fact I should save money. You're barely holding it together at the best of times, and that's hardly by your doing. One year from now all the support that is secretly aiding you (school's structure, an external sense of purpose, meeting people, ...) is gone. Dread is justified. And this tightly woven web of feelings is something you'll never be able to express, not really. You are alone. You're so ununtangleably stuck, and will be. And if we're being honest: should be. You are, will be and should be a disappointment.

So, I feel conflicted. I so, so want to be active in the studio again, I want to be part of the social environment around me. I know my excitement and confidence is out there somewhere. But I feel a pressure, and class starting again is a timebomb for the end. In moments like these I think of Rosa, asking me if entries like these are meant to be read. I don't want to bloat my notes with these, but if I find myself in the marks I leave behind: this is also me. This is also my process. There is also value in this, somewhere.

Tomorrow, 10am, prototyping, first class of the year. This afternoon I said to Maria: "I am beyond excited for classes to start again".

Week 1

With the Help of a Million Little Postcards, a social sentence-building game

A Week of Conversations

The start of the new year naturally comes paired with a lot of catching up, both with classmates and tutors. I appreciate these moments, especially when they're one on one. However, it takes skill to make good use of them, too: it's easy to get lost in analysis paralysis or premature prophesizing about insecurities. One of these insecurities is foreseeing that it will be hard for me to take agency over my own graduation journey.

This week, I had a one on one with Manetta on Monday and Michael on Tuesday. A takeaway for me is to show them stuff (uncomfortable as I may be with that). After (also pleasantly) talking about mental health with Michael, I showed him my Jitterbots project. This gave me a totally new flavor of feedback, gave the conversation a spin, and even made me feel more confident in this project. This left me with feeling that, indeed, talking about agency won't be sufficient. The challenge this year is to go out, make stuff and show stuff, out of my own volition!

Week 2

Unintended materialistic experiments

During the XPUB mini party (that has yet to happen in the faux chronology of this page), I found myself saying that I felt like today had been the first day. I felt this way, because the transition from summer break to the positively-devoid-of-summer-breakness XPUB mini party was gradual and abstract. However, on my way back I realised I had indulged in some out of comfort zone experimentation without even going for it. Some examples of new activities:

Screenprinting a flag with Anita

Spray painting with Victor and Johanne

Hand sewing a sleeve to take my laptop to Groningen

How neat that this has happened without battling some anxiety to try it out. I struggle feeling reassured by it, though. In a way, I do value some control over what experimentation I experience. Not to disregard the value of the unexpected, but I think I ultimately also value concious processing. So it's also important to me to be mindful (from time to time) to what experiments I undergo. I think this goes hand in hand with my takeaway from the first week: initiate making and showing. Taking more agency over those processes will hopefully kickstart active in situ processing.

XPUB mini party

This Tuesday, we had an potluck dinner in the studio. This event was initiated by Anita and Mania -- very inspirational in terms of self-organisation. It is a good reminder that such an event can be casual, that people are (and I am) generally so excited for it, and this is actually within my powers to organise such events as well. Not just good to be reminded of going into this year, but also to take with me into the myserious years beyond.

During the party, I got to talk to Zuhui. She gave me some valuable feedback. After telling me about her background in fine arts, she guessed that I shared a similar background, for example because (in her words) I pull from a variety of sources in my research (she specifically pointed out this entry on Nathan for You). This struck me, as formally my background is quite different. In fact, one of my main motivations for coming here is to leave the rigid system of validity and values I found myself in. Over the past year, I've tried to embrace a variety of methods. To see this goal reflected in such a guess means a lot.

SIGN Spread Zinefest

[to be experienced...]

SPREAD Zinefest / 'Lampoons and other slogans' exhibition

• SPREAD Zinefest website
• Sign website

Week 3

Recovering...

Being part of Spread zinefest in Groningen was an interesting experience on many levels. For starters, the professional experiences of being an artist in resident. Naturally, there were many social experiences, too: experiences with my classmates, with new people, and with myself. On top of that, it is a feat of physical endurance that any of us made it back to Rotterdam... Being semi-outside for 4 days straight all while eating and sleeping irrgularly puts a lot of strain on a body (and a mind). Locally, it is these experiences that weight most heavily.

I was anxious how I would manage these days out. Since the start of The New Year, I had slowly been doing better. However, this progress was still fragile I realized. Indeed, some of my anxieties were realized: I hardly slept, and started to feel progressively worse. Even after returning to Rotterdam, I felt drained -- emotionally, mostly. It was my biggest fear that this adventure in Groningen would 'reset' me to my mental state from the summer break, and after returning, it felt like it had.

However, while writing this on the 5th evening home, I think I can say 'I have recovered' (knock knock). This is a reassuring feeling: a feeling that this trend doesn't need to be a local peak with a downward spiral as inevitable end. Although the reasons for feeling better seem partially random (as they always do), I think there are some conscious actions to highlight that contributed: I made sure to eat well and bumped sleep in the priority list (not as trivial as it may seem, so they warrant stating here). Also, after spending so much energy on the Counter-Tourist Information project, I was extra motivated to work on my own projects. This resulted in some late night wiki sessions that left me satisfied -- not just by indulging in these interests, but more importantly by giving myself the room to take agency over how I approach them.

Talking about agency: coming home, I realised I didn't feel any more familiar here than I had in any of the hostels. I felt more stressed here than I had felt when away. This is the final indicator for me that it would be better to start looking for a new place... Overwhelming thought, but also a matter of agency I'm allowing myself.

C-c-conceptualizing?

Proposal draft draft I have been working on since

I am happy to report that I have both a lot of energy to work, and a lot of leads to research (The House of Dust, Learning ZIL, a variety of games, ...). This combination has made for a fruitful week of explorations. I even made two rapid prototypes (one, two)! However, when push comes to shove and I have to 'present', I paralyse -- like during this week's GRS class. In the morning, I felt like my mind was occupied with many separate threads, too many to possibly weave together into one satifying graduation project. I felt frustrated with my inability to focus. In a moment of (happy) frustration, I had this interaction with Senka (paraphrased):

T: well, I mean, I could just pull a string through all these interests and hope it sticks together, but, y'know...
S: isn't that what writing this proposal is all about?

This made something click (Senka has a way of hitting the mark). I realize well that these moments of friction and doubt are important in the / my creative process, but that's easy to forget in the moment. Even though my day was felt with a series of interactions in which I epxressed my doubts, by the end of it, it felt like some important conceptualizing work had been done. That's important to take note of!

Some threads

To get it out of my system, some threads include:

• Format-related: experimental writing, non-linear narratives, CYOA / text adventures, social games, game manuals, pen plotters
• Meta-related: there's a balance to be found between a concrete starting point, and having an umbrella big enough to fit many interests, and as not to tire of the project prematurely. There's a desire for the graduation project to be able to keep on existing after graduating. There is a desire for it to be 'polished'. There is a desire for it to be truly fun and interesting.
• Content-related: I keep returning to 'an abstract yet intimate exploration of disassociative feelings'. Neurodiversion? Also, my mind's occupied feeling anxious about content.

Choose Your Own Candy

I have a thought experiment I return to often when I want to express the difficulty I have with trusting my emotional reflexes. It goes as follows:

Let's say I have two candies. Both are extremely delicious and you really would like to have them both. However, I only let you take one. This decision is so difficult, that you cannot choose. Luckily, I present a proposal: I will shuffle the candies behind my back, take one in each hand and let you pick a hand without knowing what candy is inside.

You choose a hand and I present you the candy. I ask you: are you happy with this candy?
> Maybe you feel a little relieved, in which case you ended up with the right candy. I give you the candy.
> Maybe you feel a little disappointed, in which case you may have preferred the other candy. Benevolent as I am, I will give you the other candy.

Now, this scenario is fine and well. It might be psychologically sound, it might not be, doesn't matter. However, let us now assume that I have given this explanation before presenting the candy. Will you still feel relieved or disappointed? If so, can you trust these feelings as innate and true, or are they conjured by your mind, planted there through the expectation to feel that way?

I would have difficulty trusting these feelings. For me, this is analoguous to a lot of my experiences: when you explore your inner world, it can become very blurry which feelings are 'innate' and which are 'planted'. Whether this matters or not is neither here nor there for now. What matters is that this can, for me, lead to a numbed paralysis, where feelings, innate or otherwise, are difficult to detect. Today, that meant not being able to feel 'my fingers itch' when trying to decide what interest to pursue.

I have given this analogy to many people. They have responded with varying degrees of understanding. Today, though, Marloes made the amazingly sharp observation that this analogy itself presents a choose your own adventure dilemma. I suppose it's turtles all the way down, and there's new innateness to be found on each recursive level!

This can maybe be a starting point for a CYOA prototype that is thematically relevant.

Week 4

Proto prototyping

I had an extremely stimulating weekend in which inspiration and production bounced off each other greatly. Being part of Spread Zinefest had kickstarted new motivation to work on personal projects, which was further catalyzed in last week's GRS class. At the same time, I found myself amidst a rich trench of references (older games such as The Hobbit (1982) and newer ones such as UFO50, CYOA references like Dream House and QLEW). And with last weeks endeavors in making ZIL and pixelart prototypes, I felt confident to expolore more, like refamiliarizing myself with Godot.

However, still it can feel like I'm always one step behind. Having made these prototypes, last GRS felt like I should've spent more time conceptualizing. And then showing the conceptualizing work during prototyping, I'm told to make more. It's a difficult tug-of-war.

That said, now that the conceptual starting points are becoming more clear, I think there's some prototyping directions. Here are some tests I want to make / do:

• A Godot test project (including some animations, sounds and scene switches)
• A larger ZIL prototype
• Letting two people play a text adventure, the first acting as 'player' and the other as 'terminal'. The player would tell their actions to the terminal, who would then type it and describe the results that are shown to the player. This test may be conducted with the ZIL prototype mentioned above
• Hosting a CYOA gamenight

The last two are meant as explorations of a social and / or performative aspect of this type of game -- something that I think is missing from my proposal draft, but that I'd like to have in there somehow, maybe. In this regard, there are also some proto prototypes in the making:

• Playing UFO50 in the studio together with Victor
• Just playing more retro and retro style games myself
• Meeting with Alessia, Lorenzo, Senka and Victor, who are also working on game (adjacent) projects, to talk game.

The Hobbit (1982) illustrated text adventure

Quick autoscroller prototype made with Godot

Week 5

On the lack of preamble

I will now address the elephant in this room of my mental fortress: I haven't been able to find a new preamble for this page. This is not a triviality -- the extent in which I'm capable to capture my feelings going into a trimester in such a preamble is indicative of the overview I have over my headspace. I am overwhelmed and cannot keep up. Usually these come from music, but I haven't really been able to listen to music much without overflowing. I have considered the following, if only in the hopes of this interstellar burst soon stopping for me to heroically rise to the occassion:

In the neon sign scrolling up and down

I am born again

In an interstellar burst

I am back to save the universe

I'm in a declining state. I feel like I'm doing a lot but every time I talk to someone I feel like I'm doing the wrong things. I feel like I cannot do anything, will not be able to do anything. It has led me to betray the one certainly I had previously: I've been avoiding wikiing, in contant fear that those edits also wouldn't be worthwhile. And today, this evasive behaviour extended itself to preventing my physical presence at school -- 'to protect myself from more demotivation', ha. Evidently, this cycle must be broken. I think I should go back a few steps, and continue with some explorative pmoms and rapid prototypes.

Jittering as a method

This entry is a reaction to my entry from Monday, much like the days themselves have been reactions to the day that was Monday.

I felt really empty (and emptied) at the start of the week. Today I was talking to Alessia, who seemed to be going through the same loop of excitement and motivation being non-determinstically shut down, and she noted that we're still researching, and being lost is part of the journey of finding out (paraphrased). I suppose that's true. I was reminded that while I'm familiar with some specific types of research and project creation, the process I'm finding myself in is still quite new to me. I have had little chance to go through the whole feedback loop and find confidence in the process that way. However, at the same time, I feel like one of the things I do know is that I value close reflection and introspection during the process. And usually, that goes hand in hand with such ups and downs. So maybe I should be grateful for these moments of doubt, if only as fuel for thought.

Aside from this interaction with Alessia, it was quite the fruitful studio session. It had been a while since I had a true open-ended studio day, without a to-do list or much intrinsic and extrinsic expectations. Or maybe they were there today, but for mysterious reasons not to be analyzed, the session ended up being free form. Most of the day was spent on extending Jitterbots to become a physical publications, with a first poster test print made today. Next to that, me and Alessia revitalized some pen plotter plans, and talked to Joseph about making it into a musical machine. This is exciting. It felt good to take my mind of the project proposal for a bit and explicitly experience 'the hourly grind' of just working, instead of conceptualizing. I like conceptualizing, but often a concept can start feeling unsurmountably big. Today was a good reminder that any conceptual mountain is only as big as the hours you need to climb it.

Golden hour in the studio

Jitterbots poster first testprint

Rotterdam at night

That said, I did spent time conceptualizing since Monday. On Tuesday (canonically the day after Monday, some might note), I reluctantly (some would note) went to a tutorial with Michael. Michael is always very supportive and 'meegaand', and amazingly quick to draw connections, so maybe I should not have been so hesitant. But still, I felt like I had no updates to give. And no justifications to give. But it turned out to be a very stimulating conversation. It did leave me with more confidence for the CYOA ideas I've been having, and how they might be juggled with a more personal story (e.g. connected through the Jitterbots theme).