User:Thijshijsijsjss/Notes on The New Year

<-- Previous trimester's notes

A nice

new preamble

will come here

eventually

Next trimester's notes -->

Pre-Trimester

Reflective Corner

The little extra energy you spend to reflect is worth it. Don't be afraid

Notes on Notes

By now, I think I can say I'm a fan of the wiki. I have been wikiing lots, and, generally, it has been a medium rewarding the energy put into it. However, over the course of the year, I have felt different pushes and pulls of this space, applied different modes of using and populating it, had different aims and goals in doing so. Going into The New Year, I figured it'd be worthwhile to (briefly, hopefully) reflect on my wiki practise. Partially for my own peace of mind. Partially to get in the habit of (reflective) writing again for The New Year. Partially, secretly, because the wiki might play a role in my graduation work. Who knows.

There are two modes of wikiing that are notable factors in propelling my wiki usage in the early days. The first being my 'diary' pages (SI22, SI23, SI24). There was -- is -- a lot to take in, and I have found it useful and grounding to process these thoughts through the wiki. During the Special Issues, this was very sensible with regards to collecting material throughout the trimester, that might later be used somehow. It being a public (or semi public) space played a role in that, too. Though our trajectory will tend to involve more individual work, I see merit in continuing this practise. I'm trying to embrace sensitivity, honesty, intimacy and curiosity more and more, and this space has proven to be one that is both inviting and challengeing in that regard.

Second, I made a Choose (Create) Your Own Adventure minigame the first week of school. I think I did this out of insecurity. It turned out to be a foreboding project though, with CYOA being a recurring theme in my year 1 interests. (Or maybe it wasn't so much foreboding, but rather this project being the first in a reactionary chain of succeeding projects.) The wiki is a funny place. It is so awkwardly, intimately public. And malleable. WikiBabble, a project with Alessia that turns the wiki as a instant messaging service, is another example of how this medium can be bend and pushed. I don't know what the future will hold for projects like these. Sometimes I worry about their longevity -- not that the wiki will crumble, but rather that my role in this place has a due date. After I'm an expired publisher (xpub darkest timeline), will I still be able to connect to these projects? After moving out of my house in Utrecht, I had to remove all postcards on my postcard wall. This was an emotionally laborious process. Since then, I haven't been able to return to these postcards, their emotional weight being too heavy. Maybe wiki projects, like these postcards, should be allowed to be time capsules. But there's a practicality to it, too. I'm graduating for myself, yes, but it surely will be nice to have something to show for these years, something to hold on to after leaving.

In the course of the year, there's been plenty more use cases for the wiki. Collecting SI material, working on methods materials, my reader, PTMoMNBMs, documentation. This latter use case is one which I have found to be surprisingly rewarding, the feeling of contributing to a community. This is the flipside of the expiration date: the reassurance that these contributions might outlive me.

So, what is this page? Without the structure of the SIs, I need to spend some energy on structuring myself -- don't you dare think I don't need structure!. I want to notice my enjoyment, and feel like a need some help with that. I feel the need to keep myself accountable to some goals and boundaries I set for myself. So, here we are: a new diary page.

Moving Day

2024-09-02 was Studio Moving Day. Don't get fooled by this name, it is actually a ritual of evolution, where XPUB1 becomes XPUB2 and XPUB2, though not present in the flesh, is set free to spread their wings beyond the confines of the studio space. Like our first collaborative task last year was deciding on a studio layout, it felt nostalgic to return to this once more. Empowering, too, seeing how our communication (and joy therein) has grown. It was a good day for me -- dare I say the best of the summer break. It wasn't even that spectacular on paper, but words cannot do justice to how different I felt from my summerly modus operandi. In turn, though, I'm dreading the post-graduation void already, realizing how much of my social life is centered around the people here, how much of my excitement is, too. Excitement not just for work, but also for being a person. 'Work generates work', and it seems like 'being generates being'. For now, just being here, surrounded by my lovely classmates, sparks ideas and brings motivation, and might perpetuate and even evolve my being beyond my boldest imagination.

A Wild Pen Plotter Appeared at De Boog!

Over summer, in attempts to keep the pen plotting spirit high and to become a little more social media literate, I created an account (plaatje.hpgl) to post some of my plotted album covers. Near the end of the break, I got a message from Tisa (who was later revealed to be an xpub alimnus) about a plotter at De Boog that had been collecting dust. Of course I was excited to check it out!

This was a really nice evening. Pen plotting is fun as always, there was some mutual curiosity (me about De Boog, Tisa about the plotter), and I think I got a feeling of some level of 'expertise': these machines don't scare me, but instead I'm happy to throw myself at them. Moreover, the feeling that this meetup was somehow the result of putting my work out there is new for me, but very motivating! I plan to return to De Boog next week or the one after. Who knows what this continued exploration will bring. Tisa at least was very inviting to a pen plotting party at De Book...

A Trip to Groningen

After SI24, we were invited by Groningen-based experimental project space SIGN to adapt / extent our Counter-Tourist Information Center project to the city of Groningen. This would be a residency with a working period for the month of september, and a launch event September 26-29.

I was excited to join this project. Not only might it give me an outlet for feelings of unrealised dreams for the SI, but also should it be an educational experience. Never have I done such a residency, and I hope it will help me gain some confidence.

SIGN_SPREAD_Zinefest_2024

For a few days, I went to Groningen together with Maria, Wang and Zuzu to experience the city. We got to meet Marie-Jeanne and Ron from SIGN, which was lovely. Against all my insecurity ridden control seeking tendencies, I decided to go on this trip without much of a plan, just to soak in whatever the city would throw at me. And I did. I mainly spent time loitering and doing some every day activities. Initial thoughts are summarized here. I hope to continue this unassuming exploring into the next weeks, and extent that feeling into the process of creation. We'll have to see how that goes, especially considering the starting school year. But I'm happy with the way I've been able to deal with all the stimuli while there, that's promising for my resolutions for this new year.

Show and Tell

Today, 2024-09-10, we got to formally meet XPUB1 by means of a show and tell. I showed and told as follows (paraphrased):

Hey, I'm Thijs. I use pronouns he/they and this is a photo of a zulip message of a photo of a printout of a photo. It was taken on Septmeber 12 of last year, the day of the previous show and tell. I am XPUB2 now, and this is a very existential moment for me. it is very inviting for reflection upon the last year, who I was last year, and for future prospection, I suppose. That's why I brought this photo: I still feel this lingering past self, but now framed in all these new layers. It is a very confusing feeling. That's it.

Left is the shown photo. Right is the new situation. I think this is worthwhile adding here, I still find myself in new layers, and I don't have a doubt the new studio and social environment will add more interesting ones still. It is a reminder that feeling lost can be just a matter of embracing kaleidoscopic vision, not to see all the layers, but to feel reassured that you're always moving to new ones.

T minus 10h19m

Today I was thinking about [certain life event from a while ago], and asked myself if I have moved on to a new stage of processing said event. Actually, it was [person involved] who asked it. Well, said person's image as they live in my head. The conversation went as follows (paraphrased)

[We are meeting in a café near Rotterdam Centraal]
> Thijs, have you moved on?
"I think so"
> Can you give me one example why you think so?
"Hmm. Last week I was settling into the studio, into The New Year. It was a moment of reflection. In this moment, amidst old and new faces, I saw myself through the marks I've left behind here in one year. And I felt confident in seeing myself that way. No longer do I compulsively see myself through the marks of [said event] only."

This is a positive thing. However, I do acknowledge the reassurance of this is still volatile. In the evenings I get very anxious. Evenings usually start at 14:00 these days. I worry that I won't manage. That's not a worry, that's an assessment: I am not managing. It's all too much yet also so deeply not enough. I think I should start considering living without roommates. I should look for a job again. In fact I should save money. You're barely holding it together at the best of times, and that's hardly by your doing. One year from now all the support that is secretly aiding you (school's structure, an external sense of purpose, meeting people, ...) is gone. Dread is justified. And this tightly woven web of feelings is something you'll never be able to express, not really. You are alone. You're so ununtangleably stuck, and will be. And if we're being honest: should be. You are, will be and should be a disappointment.

So, I feel conflicted. I so, so want to be active in the studio again, I want to be part of the social environment around me. I know my excitement and confidence is out there somewhere. But I feel a pressure, and class starting again is a timebomb for the end. In moments like these I think of Rosa, asking me if entries like these are meant to be read. I don't want to bloat my notes with these, but if I find myself in the marks I leave behind: this is also me. This is also my process. There is also value in this, somewhere.

Tomorrow, 10am, prototyping, first class of the year. This afternoon I said to Maria: "I am beyond excited for classes to start again".

Week 1

With the Help of a Million Little Postcards, a social sentence-building game

A Week of Conversations

The start of the new year naturally comes paired with a lot of catching up, both with classmates and tutors. I appreciate these moments, especially when they're one on one. However, it takes skill to make good use of them, too: it's easy to get lost in analysis paralysis or premature prophesizing about insecurities. One of these insecurities is foreseeing that it will be hard for me to take agency over my own graduation journey.

This week, I had a one on one with Manetta on Monday and Michael on Tuesday. A takeaway for me is to show them stuff (uncomfortable as I may be with that). After (also pleasantly) talking about mental health with Michael, I showed him my Jitterbots project. This gave me a totally new flavor of feedback, gave the conversation a spin, and even made me feel more confident in this project. This left me with feeling that, indeed, talking about agency won't be sufficient. The challenge this year is to go out, make stuff and show stuff, out of my own volition!

Week 2

Unintended materialistic experiments

During the XPUB mini party (that has yet to happen in the faux chronology of this page), I found myself saying that I felt like today had been the first day. I felt this way, because the transition from summer break to the positively-devoid-of-summer-breakness XPUB mini party was gradual and abstract. However, on my way back I realised I had indulged in some out of comfort zone experimentation without even going for it. Some examples of new activities:

Screenprinting a flag with Anita

Spray painting with Victor and Johanne

Hand sewing a sleeve to take my laptop to Groningen

How neat that this has happened without battling some anxiety to try it out. I struggle feeling reassured by it, though. In a way, I do value some control over what experimentation I experience. Not to disregard the value of the unexpected, but I think I ultimately also value concious processing. So it's also important to me to be mindful (from time to time) to what experiments I undergo. I think this goes hand in hand with my takeaway from the first week: initiate making and showing. Taking more agency over those processes will hopefully kickstart active in situ processing.

XPUB mini party

This Tuesday, we had an potluck dinner in the studio. This event was initiated by Anita and Mania -- very inspirational in terms of self-organisation. It is a good reminder that such an event can be casual, that people are (and I am) generally so excited for it, and that it is actually within my powers to organise such events as well. Not just good to be reminded of going into this year, but also to take with me into the mysterious years beyond.

During the party, I got to talk to Zuhui. She gave me some valuable feedback. After telling me about her background in fine arts, she guessed that I shared a similar background, for example because (in her words) I pull from a variety of sources in my research (she specifically pointed out this entry on Nathan for You). This struck me, as formally my background is quite different. In fact, one of my main motivations for coming here is to leave the rigid system of validity and values I found myself in. Over the past year, I've tried to embrace a variety of methods. To see this goal reflected in such a guess means a lot.

SIGN Spread Zinefest

[to be experienced...]

SPREAD Zinefest / 'Lampoons and other slogans' exhibition

• SPREAD Zinefest website
• Sign website
• Research period write-up collection

Week 3

Recovering...

Being part of Spread zinefest in Groningen was an interesting experience on many levels. For starters, the professional experiences of being an artist in residence. Naturally, there were many social experiences, too: experiences with my classmates, with new people, and with myself. On top of that, it is a feat of physical endurance that any of us made it back to Rotterdam... Being semi-outside for 4 days straight all while eating and sleeping irrgularly puts a lot of strain on a body (and a mind). Locally, it is these experiences that weight most heavily.

I was anxious how I would manage these days. Since the start of The New Year, I had slowly been doing better. However, this progress was still fragile I realized. Indeed, some of my anxieties were realized: I hardly slept, and started to feel progressively worse. Even after returning to Rotterdam, I felt drained -- emotionally, mostly. It was my biggest fear that this adventure in Groningen would 'reset' me to my mental state from the summer break, and after returning, it felt like it had.

However, while writing this on the 5th evening home, I think I can say 'I have recovered' (knock knock). This is a reassuring feeling: a feeling that this trend doesn't need to be a local peak with a downward spiral as inevitable end. Although the reasons for feeling better seem partially random (as they always do), I think there are some conscious actions to highlight that contributed: I made sure to eat well and bumped sleep in the priority list (not as trivial as it may seem, so they warrant stating here). Also, after spending so much energy on the Counter-Tourist Information project, I was extra motivated to work on my own projects. This resulted in some late night wiki sessions that left me satisfied -- not just by indulging in these interests, but more importantly by giving myself the room to take agency over how I approach them.

Talking about agency: coming home, I realised I didn't feel any more familiar here than I had in any of the hostels. I felt more stressed here than I had felt when away. This is the final indicator for me that it would be better to start looking for a new place... Overwhelming thought, but also a matter of agency I'm allowing myself.

C-c-conceptualizing?

Proposal draft draft I have been working on since

I am happy to report that I have both a lot of energy to work, and a lot of leads to research (The House of Dust, Learning ZIL, a variety of games, ...). This combination has made for a fruitful week of explorations. I even made two rapid prototypes (one, two)! However, when push comes to shove and I have to 'present', I paralyse -- like during this week's GRS class. In the morning, I felt like my mind was occupied with many separate threads, too many to possibly weave together into one satifying graduation project. I felt frustrated with my inability to focus. In a moment of (happy) frustration, I had this interaction with Senka (paraphrased):

T: well, I mean, I could just pull a string through all these interests and hope it sticks together, but, y'know...
S: isn't that what writing this proposal is all about?

This made something click (Senka has a way of hitting the mark). I realize well that these moments of friction and doubt are important in the / my creative process, but that's easy to forget in the moment. Even though my day was felt with a series of interactions in which I epxressed my doubts, by the end of it, it felt like some important conceptualizing work had been done. That's important to take note of!

Some threads

To get it out of my system, some threads include:

• Format-related: experimental writing, non-linear narratives, CYOA / text adventures, social games, game manuals, pen plotters
• Meta-related: there's a balance to be found between a concrete starting point, and having an umbrella big enough to fit many interests, and as not to tire of the project prematurely. There's a desire for the graduation project to be able to keep on existing after graduating. There is a desire for it to be 'polished'. There is a desire for it to be truly fun and interesting.
• Content-related: I keep returning to 'an abstract yet intimate exploration of disassociative feelings'. Neurodiversion? Also, my mind's occupied feeling anxious about content.

Choose Your Own Candy

I have a thought experiment I return to often when I want to express the difficulty I have with trusting my emotional reflexes. It goes as follows:

Let's say I have two candies. Both are extremely delicious and you really would like to have them both. However, I only let you take one. This decision is so difficult, that you cannot choose. Luckily, I present a proposal: I will shuffle the candies behind my back, take one in each hand and let you pick a hand without knowing what candy is inside.

You choose a hand and I present you the candy. I ask you: are you happy with this candy?
> Maybe you feel a little relieved, in which case you ended up with the right candy. I give you the candy.
> Maybe you feel a little disappointed, in which case you may have preferred the other candy. Benevolent as I am, I will give you the other candy.

Now, this scenario is fine and well. It might be psychologically sound, it might not be, doesn't matter. However, let us now assume that I have given this explanation before presenting the candy. Will you still feel relieved or disappointed? If so, can you trust these feelings as innate and true, or are they conjured by your mind, planted there through the expectation to feel that way?

I would have difficulty trusting these feelings. For me, this is analoguous to a lot of my experiences: when you explore your inner world, it can become very blurry which feelings are 'innate' and which are 'planted'. Whether this matters or not is neither here nor there for now. What matters is that this can, for me, lead to a numbed paralysis, where feelings, innate or otherwise, are difficult to detect. Today, that meant not being able to feel 'my fingers itch' when trying to decide what interest to pursue.

I have given this analogy to many people. They have responded with varying degrees of understanding. Today, though, Marloes made the amazingly sharp observation that this analogy itself presents a choose your own adventure dilemma. I suppose it's turtles all the way down, and there's new innateness to be found on each recursive level!

This can maybe be a starting point for a CYOA prototype that is thematically relevant.

Week 4

Proto prototyping

I had an extremely stimulating weekend in which inspiration and production bounced off each other greatly. Being part of Spread Zinefest had kickstarted new motivation to work on personal projects, which was further catalyzed in last week's GRS class. At the same time, I found myself amidst a rich trench of references (older games such as The Hobbit (1982) and newer ones such as UFO50, CYOA references like Dream House and QLEW). And with last weeks endeavors in making ZIL and pixelart prototypes, I felt confident to expolore more, like refamiliarizing myself with Godot.

However, still it can feel like I'm always one step behind. Having made these prototypes, last GRS felt like I should've spent more time conceptualizing. And then showing the conceptualizing work during prototyping, I'm told to make more. It's a difficult tug-of-war.

That said, now that the conceptual starting points are becoming more clear, I think there's some prototyping directions. Here are some tests I want to make / do:

• A Godot test project (including some animations, sounds and scene switches)
• A larger ZIL prototype
• Letting two people play a text adventure, the first acting as 'player' and the other as 'terminal'. The player would tell their actions to the terminal, who would then type it and describe the results that are shown to the player. This test may be conducted with the ZIL prototype mentioned above
• Hosting a CYOA gamenight

The last two are meant as explorations of a social and / or performative aspect of this type of game -- something that I think is missing from my proposal draft, but that I'd like to have in there somehow, maybe. In this regard, there are also some proto prototypes in the making:

• Playing UFO50 in the studio together with Victor
• Just playing more retro and retro style games myself
• Meeting with Alessia, Lorenzo, Senka and Victor, who are also working on game (adjacent) projects, to talk game.

The Hobbit (1982) illustrated text adventure

Quick autoscroller prototype made with Godot

Week 5

On the lack of preamble

I will now address the elephant in this room of my mental fortress: I haven't been able to find a new preamble for this page. This is not a triviality -- the extent in which I'm capable to capture my feelings going into a trimester in such a preamble is indicative of the overview I have over my headspace. I am overwhelmed and cannot keep up. Usually these come from music, but I haven't really been able to listen to music much without overflowing. I have considered the following, if only in the hopes of this interstellar burst soon stopping for me to heroically rise to the occassion:

In the neon sign scrolling up and down

I am born again

In an interstellar burst

I am back to save the universe

I'm in a declining state. I feel like I'm doing a lot but every time I talk to someone I feel like I'm doing the wrong things. I feel like I cannot do anything, will not be able to do anything. It has led me to betray the one certainty I had previously: I've been avoiding wikiing, in constant fear that those edits also wouldn't be worthwhile. And today, this evasive behaviour extended itself to preventing my physical presence at school -- 'to protect myself from more demotivation', ha. Evidently, this cycle must be broken. I think I should go back a few steps, and continue with some explorative pmoms and rapid prototypes.

Jittering as a method

This entry is a reaction to my entry from Monday, much like the days themselves have been reactions to the day that was Monday.

I felt really empty (and emptied) at the start of the week. Today I was talking to Alessia, who seemed to be going through the same loop of excitement and motivation being non-determinstically shut down, and she noted that we're still researching, and being lost is part of the journey of finding out (paraphrased). I suppose that's true. I was reminded that while I'm familiar with some specific types of research and project creation, the process I'm finding myself in is still quite new to me. I have had little chance to go through the whole feedback loop and find confidence in the process that way. However, at the same time, I feel like one of the things I do know is that I value close reflection and introspection during the process. And usually, that goes hand in hand with such ups and downs. So maybe I should be grateful for these moments of doubt, if only as fuel for thought.

Aside from this interaction with Alessia, it was quite the fruitful studio session. It had been a while since I had a true open-ended studio day, without a to-do list or much intrinsic and extrinsic expectations. Or maybe they were there today, but for mysterious reasons not to be analyzed, the session ended up being free form. Most of the day was spent on extending Jitterbots to become a physical publications, with a first poster test print made today. Next to that, me and Alessia revitalized some pen plotter plans, and talked to Joseph about making it into a musical machine. This is exciting. It felt good to take my mind of the project proposal for a bit and explicitly experience 'the hourly grind' of just working, instead of conceptualizing. I like conceptualizing, but often a concept can start feeling unsurmountably big. Today was a good reminder that any conceptual mountain is only as big as the hours you need to climb it.

Golden hour in the studio

Jitterbots poster first testprint

Rotterdam at night

That said, I did spent time conceptualizing since Monday. On Tuesday (canonically the day after Monday, some might note), I reluctantly (some would note) went to a tutorial with Michael. Michael is always very supportive and 'meegaand', and amazingly quick to draw connections, so maybe I should not have been so hesitant. But still, I felt like I had no updates to give. And no justifications to give. But it turned out to be a very stimulating conversation. It did leave me with more confidence for the CYOA ideas I've been having, and how they might be juggled with a more personal story (e.g. connected through the Jitterbots theme).

Week 6

A jitterbook

We got invited by INC to participate in their zine fair on Novermber 1st. This is neat on two accounts. Firstly, to feel that such invitations and events are coming more frequently is exciting and vaguely reassuring. Secondly, it gave me an excuse and deadline to transform my recently finished digital run of the Jitterbots comic into a physical publication. It's my first printing-project of this scale. I got so much help from my classmates -- thank you thank you thank you --, and because of them was able to make it a proper illustration book. It was a big effort, and I spent most of my week on this project. So much, that I had to take a step back from the graduation project and (in particular) the public moment (though in a way these will also be informed by this project somehow).

Week 7 -- BREAK

Public Moment Preparations

This entry is written retroactively I had some difficulties preparing for the public moment. Not only is our attention often spread dangerously thin between making and writing and conceptualizing and testing, the proposal I had been working on is non-trivial to translate, as it concerns a videogame. I didn't feel like a show and tell -- it's not something I feel particularly comfortable with, it's not something I find most useful to my process, I don't find it very exciting to prepare and crucially, I felt like I had little to show and only material to tell. So, I figured I'd attempt to bring game-like interaction to life in a simulative performance: The Robot Assembly Line and Social Performance Testing Facility.

A page from my notebook

INC Zinefest

Through Senka, we were invited to participate in INC's event final.final.final. The focus on the event was the presentation of ongoing research in internet culture, and we were part of the accompanying zinefest.

I think many of us have worn ourselves out over the last 2 weeks or so in preparation for this event (or with this event as an excuse to unlock a working mindset through a strawman-deadline). However, being just 2 hours and with the spotlight on the talks, the results of these efforts were a little anticlimactic, maybe. It is a reminder that those strawmen can be very useful and welcome, but that there's no need to stress over them past their usefulness and welcomeness. In any case, it is good to go to these events (though they are definitely not the settings in which I flourish). Keep production going, see new faces. Work creates work, in all the best ways.

Reading Rythms Club

This Sunday, I went to the Reading Rythms Club activity Wormholes, Time-warps, and Unruly Tides. This was my first time. Though I had been interested before, this event piqued special interest, as Senka had notified me it would feature a CYOA mechanic at its core. This choosing was mostly spation: different text exerpts were hanging in a room and after reading one, you could decide to go to the 'past', 'present' or 'future', each option redirecting you to a new exerpt. This is a curious shift of decision agency -- typically one would choose between actions or other options that contain a glimpse of what choosing them might lead to. We were not alone in this room either, but with about 12 people reading, choosing and annotating alongside each other. This resulted in another, temporal axis: the relationship between the original text and the observed text was already subject of nonlinearity, in this different physical and social setting and in excerptic fashion. Now there was another cause of change: another reader's annotations.

Week 8

Pen Plotting Party Colloquium

On the bright Monday morning of November 4th, Alessia, Victor and I gave a colloquium during a prototyping class. Having hosted several Pen Plotting Parties, we set out for this event to be more hands on, a playground in which to casually get to know the plotter and try out different techniques. This was done by deploying several 'stations', each associated with one technique, and an invitation to work on top of each other's work Exquisit Corpse style.

The Robot Assembly Line and Social Performance Testing Facility

The Robot Assembly Line and Social Performance Testing Facility was a factory, performance and simulation game during XPUB2's first public moment, 2024-11-04.

Dedicated documentation page here -->

It had been a very abstract task to design for this public moment. For starters because my project trajectory was still very much up in the air. Then, once it it started to crystallize, the forming pieces were describing a video game -- one that does not exist yet. Instead, I decided to explore the theme, narrative style and atmosphere in a performance-like simulation game.

While desinging a purposefully mechanical, explicitly anti-personal experience, I was hoping to find how it can be highly personal, intimate and human at the same time.. I'm very content with how it came together. In particular, I have gotten feedback that there was a strong atmosphere that was ultimately very human. I'm very happy with that. And I was very touched by the participation of others in this experience, and touched by experiencing this intimacy with them. [human], if you're reading this: I've been dreaming about you.

Now I'm left with a whole stack of application forms, and another abstract task arises... how to process this?

Another note on the public moment

This entry is made retroactively The public moment was great -- both on the personal level (the engagement I felt for my project), and on an organizational level (between the whole of XPUB2). After the launch events of SI23 and SI24, I had felt surprised by our ability to pull our diverging projects together in the end, and amazed to see so much coherency. I felt the same during this public moment: while we're working increasingly individually, still I felt a strong coherency between projects, and throughout the event. For example, I didn't have many sounds in my project, but unexpectedly my project was soundtracked by a fitting soundscape created by the seeping waves of Wang's and Rosa's and Riviera's projects in the neighboring rooms.

While not a consiouc decision at the time, I think some of our uniuformity was built into the design of the event: we were all represented by a scribble. Visitors could get an 'entry coupon' to a project, which only told them about the location and duration, not about the person to whom the projects belongs. I think this proved to be a great, and I'm curious to see if this is something we'll keep in following public moments.

Supervisor meeting

Before the break, it was revealed to which supervisor (Marloes or Steve) we were assigned. I am in ... drumroll please ... #TeamMarloes ! Very exciting. We had our first supervisor meeting in this week's Graduate Research Seminar. I was eager to have such a longer conversation, as I felt (feel) like there's many floating puzzle pieces to the equation that is the graduation project, and I would have very much liked (like) to start putting some of them down with some supervision. However, if I'm honest, I don't know if any pieces were put into place this first meeting. I got a list of things to change. Valid and valuable points, but also reenforcing my feeling of 'doing it all wrong'. Maybe it's part of the process, but if anything, now all pieces seem even more scattered.

All blurring into one

This place is on a mission

Before the night owl

Before the animal noises

Closed circuit cameras

Before you're comatose

Week 9

The weekend is long
The weekend is cold
The weekend is library
The weekend is weak and
The weekend is questions
The weekend is early dinner
The weekend is never over
The weekend is not a place
The weekend is closed already at 16:30
The weekend is please leave in 10 minutes
The weekend is study
The weekend is 'me time'
The weekend is important real estate
The weekend is a must
The weekend is a series on the couch
The weekend is backpain
The weekend is not verifiable
The weekend is not observed by many
The weekend is breathless
The weekend is without a voice
The weekend is trying to sing
The weekend is trying to whisper
The weekend is trying so hard
The weekend wants to be shared

Week 10

The Void of Meaning

Recently, I have not been feeling so great mentally. In discussing this matter with a friend, I reflected upon a time in which I was using medication to help deal with that. Looking back at that period, I'm amazed at the things I was able to do. People close to me, like my mother, also noted that I seemed to be doing well, that I was more spontaneous and outgoing (society's most unwavering metrics of 'doing well'). However, I felt very restless in this period, very much in a state of questions -- the answers to which I wasn't able to find by the very nature of the medication: it prevented me from accessing certain thoughts. By not interfacing with my brain in that way, things sure seemed to go more smoothly, but I didn't find meaning in any of these things. It turns out that processing my experiences consciously and meticulously is very important for me in finding value in life. And in extension, it's very important for me in finding identity. The engaged brain can be cumbersome, but it also leads the way to meaning.

The graduation process thus far has been analogous, I've found. In many ways, we're living (self-imposed) deadline to deadline. Between the INC zinefair, public moment, proposal, outline, pre-assessments, first chapter, real-assessments, we ask ourselves: when do we actually work on our project? We're constantly challenged to describe our projects, but what's my project's identity, really, when you remove these formalities? It has to magically spawn in between these moments. Without them, 'things will surely go more smoothly', right? All these moments of intense engagement can feel like bumps in the road. But we need to remind ourselves: the bumps lead the way to the project. The bumps lead the way to meaning.

By being a highly personal project, any meticulous reflection on it is also a meticulous reflection on myself. It's an awkward reality that my sense of identity is in part tied up to my work, but I'm also grateful for that opportunity. No school project will ever be the sole key to contentness (nor should it be), but I have to remind myself: the bumps lead the way to meaning. The bumps are the way to finding myself. The bumps mark the way of being myself.

Week 11

Pre-Assessments / Fake Assessments / Mock Assessments

This Wednesday, we presented our project proposals to XPUB1 and our fellow XPUB2 as a trial run for the assessments three weeks from now. I remember last year's mock assessments well, they were important in forming my frame of reference of really how different this program is from what I was used to. Seeing the performativity of Stephen really opened my eyes, and it's something I haven't been able to let go of since. Nor have I wanted to! For all the 'not knowing what I want to do', I sure find myself adding a flavor of performativity surprisingly often. This assessment was no different: the presentation was a script played by myself playing Thijs, and Zuhui and Rosa playing the roles of Narrator resp. Supervisor (thank you both!). This format wasn't just for fun (although it was), but I hope it presented the theme I'm working with through the presentation's form (e.g. it was not Thijs, but the Narrator who made comments on how I've been feeing during this project). In retrospect, I could've leaned into this way more. But considering the presentations were only 10 minutes, I didn't dare to. Still, I think it was a mild success!

Start mock assessment -->

We also made Fake Assessment Bingo -->

Earlier this week, I had a conversation with Rosa and Manetta about the prototyping classes in the coming trimester, and Manetta commented on 'the liminal weeks before Christmas break'. They did feel like liminal weeks. (In fact, while last year the Christmas break divided the first third of the year from the latter two, it feels as if this year the break marks the halfway point, and that suddenly everything will need to be made when returning to school in January). However, after the pre-assessments, I have a better understanding of what these weeks might bring me: while I think I have a solid list of related previous projects, I still have little to show for the current project I'm presenting. I hope this can be my focus for the coming weeks. (Whisper: who knows, maybe the actual assessment can even happen inside of the game...)

Week 12

December's a Liminal Limerick

After last week's pre-assessments, I noticed my project proposal is in a good state, but it is much further developed conceptually than practically. This is quite natural, considering the structure of this year. Still, I figured it would be great to use the otherwise quite liminal 2-3 weeks between pre- and actual assessments to get something more concrete to show alongside my proposal. To that end, I came up with the following plans:

• Start on a text-adventure framework with the goal to be able to use it as a presentational medium for the actual assessment
• Capture The Robot Assembly Line and Social Performance Testing Facility in some narrative writing
• Host a playtesting session to explore social and performative ways of playing a non-linear game

A week past the XPUB assessments
Before the December refreshments
The tutors applaud
But I have my doubts
For filling this liminal segment

Brutus Winter Market

By Anita's initation, I participated in the Winter Market at the exhibition space Brutus (where Anita is working). Together with her, Alessia, Mania, Michel, Wang and Zuzu, we had a stand. Much like Zinecamp and INC and even Swap, this type of zine fair is not completely new anymore. It's interesting to see the different crowds these different events attract. For this one, it seemed like there were mostly 'regular folks' (i.e. not people particularly involved in the DIY publishing scene) shopping for holiday gifts. I don't know if we were particularly prepared for that (though I did make some Jitterbots postcards!) -- or if it is necessarily a problem in the case that we weren't. It feels like a valuable experience to participate regardless, definitely while I'm still studying.

Week 13

Forked Dialogues Session #1

Considering this Friday's 'thesis first chapter' deadline (for which I have not written explicitly), and my post-pre-assessment resolutions, I set out to do a playtesting session before the December break. 'Playtesting' in the broadest sense of the word: not just testing my own gameplay, but testing different forms of play in general. I hope these sessions can be an exploration of social dynamics and performativity in what would typically be an isolated activity. To this end, I have wrapped this in an event called 'Forked Dialogues', which I plan to have several installments of, and which I hope can accomodate a variety of activities. This first session is supposed to be a casual meetup to spark interest, figure out the format and do some first explorations. In particular, I'm keen on testing the text-adventure framework I've been working on as a asymmetric experience.

Session Preparations

Considering I've felt an itch to incorporate more social dynamics / performativity in my project proposal, it seems natural to use this session to try out some of the ideas that have been floating in my head. The binding theme throughout this session's activities is: subtracting, subverting and sharing agency (in text adventures).

The (adapted) plan for the session:

1. Introductiory conversation and reading the Archival Oceans zine as an icebreaker and thematic introduction
2. Playing The Hobbit (1982) together
3. Playing my demo asymmetrically (the main playtest, I will be a spectator for this)
4. A feedback conversation (potentially aided by StoryCubes (a non-linear storytelling device in their own right))

Session Reflections

These are my diary-esque reflections. Critical reflections meant to inform my graduation project in a more direct way can be found here -->

Up until this morning, I was very unsure about the cohesion of the planned session -- in fact: I made the major alteration of deciding to play The Hobbit (1982) together only on my way to school. But I was also excited. A lot of 'game design' is obfuscated by many obstacles of creation, mainly coding. Coding can be design, too, but it often muddles the way to creating the actual player experience. When working on the demo for this session, I finally got to game design again, which felt great[1]. However, feedback was actually that it was quite cohesive and engaging. I'm very happy with that. Not just because my insecurity was proven wrong, but also as a proof of concept for the more open-ended playtesting sessions I envision these 'Forked Dialogues' to accomodate.

Reflecting on this vision, it seems to me that my understanding of what such a session can bring is much much greater than previous playtest sessions I have hosted / been part of (in terms of methods of conversation, a non-hierarchical setup, ...). I can only attribute this to the different events, conversations and classes I've been exposed to in the past year. In that sense, the session today feels like a great personal success.

[1] (and during which I felt surprisingly confident. Well, not for the first two thirds of the design process, that consisted of conceptualizing while frantically looking at different blank pages in front of me. But that third third, when you're putting the pieces into place, when you know you've solved your mental puzzle, that's when a deep belief strike you that you are, in fact, the most dazzling mind to ever grace the mental plains of humankind[2])

[2] ((I'm being facetious. But it does feel great.))

Week 14

T4 Assessment

After the pre-assessments earlier this month, it was now time for the real deal. While I had hoped to be less stressed about this second run because of the work already put into the first, it turned out to be an equally if not more demanding situation. I think it's very powerful (and often important) to present a strong resonance between presentational content and form. The social constraints of these two assessment moments were very different, and as social constraints are of major concern to my project's content, I felt the need to adapt the form with the changes. In addition, this presented an opportunity to continue developing prototypes I have been making, in particular a framework for text-adventures and a playtest for asymmetric gameplay. So, ambitiously I figured I should do the whole presentation in a text-adventure.

See more about that here -->

The feedback was generally positive, and the demo was very well received. A few things were raised to be aware of continuing the project, but I feel these were things I was already discussing with Marloes. In that regard, the assessment can be considered a succes. Still, I don't know if it feels that way. I wasn't able to present as confidently or eloquently as I had been for the pre-assessment, which is a big disappointment to me. It is interesting to think about why that might be.

And now it's December break

The Colloquium Collection