User:Thijshijsijsjss/Notes on The New Year

<-- Previous trimester's notes

A nice

new preamble

will come here

eventually

Next trimester's notes -->

Pre-Trimester

Reflective Corner

The little extra energy you spend is to reflect is worth it. Don't be afraid

Notes on Notes

By now, I think I can say I'm a fan of the wiki. I have been wikiing lots, and, generally, it has been a medium rewarding the energy put into it. However, over the course of the year, I have felt different pushes and pulls of this space, applied different modes of using and populating it, had different aims and goals in doing so. Going into the new year, I figured it'd be worthwhile to (briefly, hopefully) reflect on my wiki practise. Partially for my own peace of mind. Partially to get in the habit of (reflective) writing again for the new year. Partially, secretly, because the wiki might play a role in my graduation work. Who knows.

There are two modes of wikiing that are notable factors in propelling my wiki usage in the early days. The first being my 'diary' pages (SI22, SI23, SI24). There was -- is -- a lot to take in, and I have found it useful and grounding to process these thoughts through the wiki. During the Special Issues, this was very sensible with regards to collecting material throughout the trimester, that might later be used somehow. It being a public (or semi public) space played a role in that, too. Though our trajectory will tend to involve more individual work, I see merit in continuing this practise. I'm trying to embrace sensitivity, honesty, intimacy and curiosity more and more, and this space has proven to be one that is both inviting and challengeing in that regard.

Second, I made a Choose (Create) Your Own Adventure minigame the first week of school. I think I did this out of insecurity. It turned out to be a foreboding project though, with CYOA being a recurring theme in my year 1 interests. (Or maybe it wasn't so much foreboding, but rather this project being the first in a reactionary chain of succeeding projects.) The wiki is a funny place. It is so awkwardly, intimately public. And malleable. WikiBabble, a project with Alessia that turns the wiki as a instant messaging service, is another example of how this medium can be bend and pushed. I don't know what the future will hold for projects like these. Sometimes I worry about their longevity -- not that the wiki will crumble, but rather that my role in this place has a due date. After I'm an expired publisher (xpub darkest timeline), will I still be able to connect to these projects? After moving out of my house in Utrecht, I had to remove all postcards on my postcard wall. This was an emotionally laborious process. Since then, I haven't been able to return to these postcards, their emotional weight being too heavy. Maybe wiki projects, like these postcards, should be allowed to be time capsules. But there's a practicality to it, too. I'm graduating for myself, yes, but it surely will be nice to have something to show for these years, something to hold on to after leaving.

In the course of the year, there's been plenty more use cases for the wiki. Collecting SI material, working on methods materials, my reader, PTMoMNBMs, documentation. This latter use case is one which I have found to be surprisingly rewarding, the feeling of contributing to a community. This is the flipside of the expiration date: the reassurance that these contributions might outlive me.

So, what is this page? Without the structure of the SIs, I need to spend some energy on structuring myself -- don't you dare think I don't need structure!. I want to notice my enjoyment, and feel like a need some help with that. I feel the need to keep myself accountable to some goals and boundaries I set for myself. So, here we are: a new diary page.

Moving Day

2024-09-02 was Studio Moving Day. Don't get fooled by this name, it is actually a ritual of evolution, where XPUB1 becomes XPUB2 and XPUB2, though not present in the flesh, is set free to spread their wings beyond the confines of the studio space. Like our first collaborative task last year was deciding on a studio layout, it felt nostalgic to return to this once more. Empowering, too, seeing how our communication (and joy therein) has grown. It was a good day for me -- dare I say the best of the summer break. It wasn't even that spectacular on paper, but words cannot do justice to how different I felt from my summerly modus operandi. In turn, though, I'm dreading the post-graduation void already, realizing how much of my social life is centered around the people here, how much of my excitement is, too. Excitement not just for work, but also for being a person. 'Work generates work', and it seems like 'being generates being'. For now, just being here, surrounded by my lovely classmates, sparks ideas and brings motivation, and might perpetuate and even evolve my being beyond my boldest imagination.

A Wild Pen Plotter Appeared at De Boog!

Over summer, in attempts to keep the pen plotting spirit high and to become a little more social media literate, I created an account (plaatje.hpgl) to post some of my plotted album covers. Near the end of the break, I got a message from Tisa (who was later revealed to be an xpub alimnus) about a plotter at De Boog that had been collecting dust. Of course I was excited to check it out!

This was a really nice evening. Pen plotting is fun as always, there was some mutual curiosity (me about De Boog, Tisa about the plotter), and I think I got a feeling of some level of 'expertise': these machines don't scare me, but instead I'm happy to throw myself at them. Moreover, the feeling that this meetup was somehow the result of putting my work out there is new for me, but very motivating! I plan to return to De Boog next week or the one after. Who knows what this continued exploration will bring. Tisa at least was very inviting to a pen plotting party at De Book...

A Trip to Groningen

After SI24, we were invited by Groningen-based experimental project space SIGN to adapt / extent our Counter-Tourist Information Center project to the city of Groningen. This would be a residency with a working period for the month of september, and a launch event September 26-29.

I was excited to join this project. Not only might it give me an outlet for feelings of unrealised dreams for the SI, but also should it be an educational experience. Never have I done such a residency, and I hope it will help me gain some confidence.

SIGN_SPREAD_Zinefest_2024

For a few days, I went to Groningen together with Maria, Wang and Zuzu to experience the city. We got to meet Marie-Jeanne and Ron from SIGN, which was lovely. Against all my insecurity ridden control seeking tendencies, I decided to go on this trip without much of a plan, just to soak in whatever the city would throw at me. And I did. I mainly spent time loitering and doing some every day activities. Initial thoughts are summarized here. I hope to continue this unassuming exploring into the next weeks, and extent that feeling into the process of creation. We'll have to see how that goes, especially considering the starting school year. But I'm happy with the way I've been able to deal with all the stimuli while there, that's promising for my resolutions for this new year.

Show and Tell

Today, 2024-09-10, we got to formally meet XPUB1 by means of a show and tell. I showed and told as follows:

Hey, I'm Thijs. I use pronouns he/they and this is a photo of a zulip message of a photo of a printout of a photo. I was taken on Septmeber 12 of last year, the day of the previous show and tell. I am XPUB2 now, and this is a very existential moment for me. it is very inviting for reflection upon the last year, who I was last year, and for future prospection, I suppose. That's why I brought this photo: I still feel this lingering past self, but now framed in all these new layers. It is a very confusing feeling. That's it.

Left is the shown photo. Right is the new situation. I think this is worthwhile adding here, I still find myself in new layers, and I don't have a doubt the new studio and social environment will add more interesting ones still. It is a reminder that feeling lost can be just a matter of embracing kaleidoscopic vision, not to see all the layers, but to feel reassured that you're always moving to new ones.

T minus 10h19m

Today I was thinking about [certain life event from a while ago], and asked myself if I have moved on to a new stage of processing said event. Actually, it was [person involved] who asked it. Well, said person's image as they live in my head. The conversation went as follows (paraphrased)

[We are meeting in a café near Rotterdam Centraal]
> Thijs, have you moved on?
"I think so"
> Can you give me one example why you think so?
"Hmm. Last week I was settling into the studio, into the new year. It was a moment of reflection. In this moment, amidst old and new faces, I saw myself through the marks I've left behind here in one year. And I felt confident in seeing myself that way. No longer do I compulsively see myself through the marks of [said event] only."

This is a positive thing. However, I do acknowledge the reassurance of this is still volatile. In the evenings I get very anxious. Evenings usually start at 14:00 these days. I worry that I won't manage. That's not a worry, that's an assessment: I am not managing. It's all too much yet also so deeply not enough. I think I should start considering living without roommates. I should look for a job again. In fact I should save money. You're barely holding it together at the best of times, and that's hardly by your doing. One year from now all the support that is secretly aiding you (school's structure, an external sense of purpose, meeting people, ...) is gone. Dread is justified. And this tightly woven web of feelings is something you'll never be able to express, not really. You are alone. You're so ununtangleably stuck, and will be. And if we're being honest: should be. You are, will be and should be a disappointment.

So, I feel conflicted. I so, so want to be active in the studio again, I want to be part of the social environment around me. I know my excitement and confidence is out there somewhere. But I feel a pressure, and class starting again is a timebomb for the end. In moments like these I think of Rosa, asking me if entries like these are meant to be read. I don't want to bloat my notes with these, but if I find myself in the marks I leave behind: this is also me. This is also my process. There is also value in this, somewhere.

Tomorrow, 10am, prototyping, first class of the year. This afternoon I said to Maria: "I am beyond excited for classes to start again".

Week 1

With the Help of a Million Little Postcards, a social sentence-building game

A Week of Conversations

The start of the new year naturally comes paired with a lot of catching up, both with classmates and tutors. I appreciate these moments, especially when they're one on one. However, it takes skill to make good use of them, too: it's easy to get lost in analysis paralysis or premature prophesizing about insecurities. One of these insecurities is foreseeing that it will be hard for me to take agency over my own graduation journey.

This week, I had a one on one with Manetta on Monday and Michael on Tuesday. A takeaway for me is to show them stuff (uncomfortable as I may be with that). After (also pleasantly) talking about mental health with Michael, I showed him my Jitterbots project. This gave me a totally new flavor of feedback, gave the conversation a spin, and even made me feel more confident in this project. This left me with feeling that, indeed, talking about agency won't be sufficient. The challenge this year is to go out, make stuff and show stuff, out of my own volition!

Week 2

XPUB mini party

SIGN Spread Zinefest

[to be experienced...]