User:Thijshijsijsjss/Notes on SI24

<-- Previous trimester's notes

Transport

Motorways and tramlines

Starting and then stopping

Taking off and landing

Next trimester's notes -->

Pre-SI

As opposed to last transition from one SI to the next, when we had a month long break in between and started slowly with a week of workshops, we are jumping straight in this time. We did have our assessments in the one week between SI23's launch and SI24's kickoff. Naturally, this assessment was an invitation for ourselves to reflect upon these two trimesters. Before we're knees deep in the final one of the first year, I'd like to take a moment to write down some of these reflections, and maybe some associated goals or things to keep in mind.

My assessment page can be found / played / performed here -->

I went into this year encouraging myself to explore the playground I had found myself in to its full extent. All things considered, I think this encouragement is working well for me. In last SI, it helped me set the goal of working on tangible things more. However, with the third trimester transitioning into more individual(ly tailored) research and work, I think it will be important for me to try to be decisive in what to do. It goes hand in hand with the advise / feedback / encouragement I got at the assessment: I can be selective.

There's a pitfall of wanting for the sake of wanting (to do something). I don't want to find myself in it. But this will be a challenge. I know this 'wanting' is a slow process for me, and to be 'decisive', I will need to allow myself the space for this slow process to simmer and then, know when to strike when the iron is hot.

Week 1

SI kickoff

Monday we kicked off Special Issue 24 with Martino, Michael and XPUB1. In sharing our stories on loitering growing up, I felt nostalgic for Duiven and its watery, fit-for-biking, inviting-to-get-lost-in surrounding nature.

In the prototyping class we got the chance to explore micro-controllers (Arduino IDE, ESP32 microcontroller). I have some deeply burried Arduino experience, and while the coding work wasn't mind-blowing, it was good to go through some setup steps again and feel the energy to play amidst the excitement of others. I sense this is one of these things where some people delve into their own projects (that might ultimately merge with the SI). I am conscious of this now, and am presented with the opportunity to do the same. On the other hand, recall the tutors' words from the assessment:

Feel encouraged to be selective!

Section that may or may not be renamed

Wednesday: PTMoMNBM, rapid prototype, personal reader

PTMoMNBM: Stickerbook

Weekend pilgrimage

My weekend turned out to be unexpectedly packed: bellen met Tim in Shenzhen, Mats op bezoek, naar Kaat, naar Steven, naar Duiven. After a week of reminiscing the spaces I got to know these people, I felt a comfort seeing them / going there. It was a very intense comfort: a lot of walking and talking with lots of attempts to vocalize my inner world. It turned out to be quite 'centering' and nurturing. I know I have difficulty acknowledging and embracing this feeling, and even moreso to retain it once the weekend is over. I have lost sight and agency over this 'center', and had forgotten it was within reach to pursue it (in)actively.

The walking and talking was very much a loitering activity. Also, with Steven I discussed the desire to be bored with someone, to exist with a person in a space just like I exist with my cat. This is, again, a desire for loitering. Maybe, I can find solace in loitering alone, too.

Self-assigned homework: struinen in Rotterdam

I loved wandering through Utrecht, it is a perfect city for struinen. The river banks of the Singel, de steigers and werfkelders. The wobbly streets with kinderkopjes. The air and sound and wind and sky and parks. While wandering, I have yet to connect with Rotterdam like I did with Utrecht.

Balcony view from my Rotterdam room

My new room connects to a balcony that looks over a 'balcony agglomeration'. I find these little backyard-park-patchworks quite charming, pocket dimensions of urban tranquility. But I myself don't feel tranquil at all in this new place yet, too much newness can be dissonant in and of itself. I need to adapt to the city, with its established patterns and rules. Old and new, resonant and dissonant are all combined in this photo for me.

Week 2

Monday: lists at Zuidplein, heavy weather. I quite like this constrained writing (similar to how I liked writing this text), both as a way of producing as well as a way of observing.

Tuesday: I made the decision (last minute, but still: a decision) to not go to school today. The centered feeling from last weekend was immediately lost on Monday. I want to feel agency over this feeling, and exercise the muscle to create the space for myself to feel this. Also, with this decision I am being selective!

I decided to explore the library near Zuidplein instead, working through Genki II, doing some wikiing, catching up on some work and running some errands later in the day.

Free facilities at
Centrale Bieb Rotterdam
* ...

Not free facilities at
Centrale Bieb Rotterdam
* wifi
* sanitary facilities

Free facilities at
Bieb Zuidplein
* wifi
* sanitary facilities

Not free facilities at
Bieb Zuidplein
* ...

<-- Centrale Bieb

Zuidplein bieb -->

PTMoMNBM: WikiFeed

Week 3

Monday: eixogen city game, GPS, phychogeography, generative walks

Not my street.

Not my street.

Not my street.

My street?

Tuesday: evil dashboard

Wednesday: Lídia fell victim to the Methods curse.

Weekend pilgrimage pt2: Utrecht

I made my way to Utrecht for the occasion of my friend Meta's birthday party. It was the first time being in Utrecht since my move 2 months ago. I miss the city very, I have connected with Utrecht in ways I have not experienced with other places. Being here again was curious. Already in 2 months -- by almost all metrics a short period --, I found the city to have changed, and in this feeling, found myself to be changed. In what ways, I cannot put my finger on yet.

I worked my way through Hoog Catharijne (the infrastructure demands it -- and H.C. is not a place for loitering, you're constantly drifting with the continuous stream of people), to Neude (the library, my North Star, still there, quiet and unchanged), through the Oudegracht to Plaatboef, to my favorite spots by the Singel's water. Listening to LONG SEASON (98.12.28 Live -- I am not living a studio recording anymore). Utrecht is long season.

After the party, I went for an an evening walk. The sun was setting. 夕暮れ時を二人で走ってゆく。風を呼んで君を呼んで。I walked the Singel again, to LHC (Slachtstraat, muse, I will visit you next time), to Vaartsche rijn, to my old house. 思い出すことはなんだい? It was different. If I could see myself reflected in this place before, but now it has changed, my reflection sure must be different, too.

May break

Brussels Bricolage Trip

I notice that a new space can quickly overwhelm me. Brussels was no exception. Still, I want to experience this newness and the stimuli that comes with it, the challenge is in finding ways to help me process this in a manageable way. One strategy I often rely on, is listening to familiar music. This is really pleasant in two ways: The familiary of the music acts as a tether to hold on to in overwhelming unfamiliarity. The new stimuli always end up causing me to connect with this music in new ways: by making me pick up things I didn't notice before, and by adding a new experience to the body of lived-through memories that fuel my situated subconsious.

A Brussels playlist of albums and episodes (selection): * Train ride there + Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven (Godspeed You! Black Emperor) + A cozy new episode of a long-time podcast + A not so cozy episode of a short-term podcast * In a cafe + Allelujah! Don't Bend! Ascend! (Godspeed You! Black Emperor) * Afternoon exploring + In the Court of the Crimson King (King Crimson) + OK Computer (Radiohead) + Dummy (Portishead) * Breakfast + Clouds (Joni Mitchell) + Sportin'Life (Weather Report) <-- new album + Blue (Joni Mithell) * Lunch on a bench in a park, feeling a connection to 'home' + In the Aeroplane over the Sea (Neutral Milk Hotel)

I slept in a bunkbed. The travelers bulletin board, a meeting place for a lot of interesting messaging.

This is a PSA: please help me identify all albums in this photo!

Pen Plotting Party at OSP

• Unused 'presentation slides': Pen_plotters/20240504_OSP_Party

Week 5

Lift Yr. Skinny Fists like Antennas to the noisy box to produce your new favorite shoegaze album

Monday: the morning session was spent on a 'meta talk'. I'm very impressed with Martino's handling of this SI (his references, the people he invites, the places we visit, his ability to associate on the spot and vocalize these connections in a well-put manner, this 'grip' on the SI as a whole, and the way he structures this to accomodate for our needs). I was lost, though, in this conversation. Having just come back from my turbulent trip to Brussels, I hadn't had the time to process my thoughts yet, neither to catch up on some sleep. When I was presented with the opportunity (demand) to vocalize what I had been doing, I wasn't able to. I felt the same rush of panic I felt during the Brussels presentation, and wasn't able to say anything meaningful. Instead just passing on the mic in uncomfortable, teary disappointment.

Tuesday: we met at .zip to make an ARG in one day. Very reminiscent of game jams, and a nice team building exercise next to the relevance to the SI (and my personal interests and research) it has. I collaborated with Michel to make a map and a sticker that together form the solution to an environmental puzzle.

Wednesday: the bulk of the day was spent freely doing artistic research. I still feel the rigid paradigm of validity of my previous academic endeavours chaining me, but I'm trying to trust and embrace a more free approach. I then got the chance to talk about this with Mania, Maria and Lídia.

Before the break, it was just me, Victor, Wang and Rosa working in the studio in silence. It was lovely :)

Week 6

Monday, we had evening class starting at 17:00. We read through the smartness mandate -- which I hadn't been able to read with enough care yet, unfortunately. After a hasty dinner-break, we met at Zuidplein for some auditive experiences.

• Two speakers with in-sync metronomes: one stationary close to the listeners, one moving. How does the synchronicity change with the movement and the landscape? How does it blend in with natural sounds and percussion parties?
• A droning tone. Walk further from it, concentrating on it and it alone, until you can no longer hear it. Or can you?
• A walk at night through an intimate street: don't make any sounds. Extra difficulty level: metal strips under your shoes.
• A walk in silence over the Rotterdam docks.

This evening proved to be interesting and touching. Not only did the auditive exercises provide a different way to navigate physical space, but also social space. Walking from one location to the next, I felt connected to my classmates, and felt like I was finally digesting the SI actively.

Tuesday: processing for pi, Fritzing, making a keyboard together. Proposal feedback with Joseph.

Wednesday: working on a pen plotted illustration book PTMoMNBM, the WORM open call PTMoMNBM, talking with Steve for feedback, and writing an abstract with Victor.

Trip to Amersfoort

Week 7

Monday: no class (Whit Monday), Loitering Glossary, Loitering in Theory.

Today I tried to (work on Martino's glossary assignment), (prepare for tomorrow's prototyping class by thinking about a device) and (update my wiki diary). I feel defeated. For all of these component, I feel excited. But when push comes to shove, I seem unable to think. I think I should talk to Martino and maybe Louisa about this. But at this very moment, I feel frustrated with and disappointed in myself. I've started to make a mindmap, because I do notice some curiosities and interests of mine intersecting with the SI's trajectory, but even looking at that I feel a little ashamed. Am I only making this entry to feel good about myself, to diverge attention from my lacking SI input?

Tuesday: manual making and secret device development.

Very excited about the manuals, feel a reignited spark for note-taking games. Just like I appreciate album art and CD booklets for extending the musical experience to the physical world, game manuals and some game mechanics can do this, too. Interesting.

Brainstorm session for a device to help you navigate overwhelming, unfamiliar spaces

Wednesday: shyly exploring research questions.

Next year: formulate one research question to rule them all, and in darkness bind them

• How can the study of feminist technologies be applied to the game industry? In particular: how might we apply insights from communities gathered around a community server to small scale indie game development teams?

Home pen plotting setup with my pi chøpchøp

Week 8

Monday, we met at the gemeente for a tour around The Innovation Lab. Nudging, 3d Rotterdam and all-powerful buttons.

Tuesday, I decided to work from home. I was, again, so tired. Not just physically, but the kind of existential exhaustion that makes one incapable of even thinking, the dread of the balls you're juggling, the pressure of its inexcapability, and the realization that you're not a very good juggler. This trimester, I have taken 3 or 4 work from home days. I have found these have a great positive effect. I get to take agency over what juggle balls I prioritize, and its been freeing to not let those be tasks of external validation at all times. I did meet with Joseph in the afternoon. With him, decided not to order microcontroller components, but instead hyped about a 3d pen plotted movie night idea.

Wednesday: Worked on Web-to-Print and Play PTMoMNBM, talked to Alessia about Pen Plotting Party social media posts, and talked to Steve. I appreciate the moments we get to talk to our tutors one on one. But I don't think I'm making full use of them. Amidst the overstimulation, I allow myself to be led by their rhythm (potentially leading to even more stimulation). This is ok for now, but I foresee a big pitfall for next year: it will take me a while to settle into the xpub2 rhythm and to figure out what I want to do for my graduation project. I should be cautious just following what they seem excited about, and fabricate a narrative of personal learning just for their peace of mind.

Throughout the Special Issue, I have felt numbed. I feel like I haven't been able to do the digestive legqork required, and have been so overstimulated, that I don't get to the step of creative output. This is largely due to no-xpub factors, but of course all aspects of life bleed into each other. Now that we are in the transitional period, I wanted to take a moment to be more concrete about at least one thing I've been thinking about. To carve out a little niche so that, even if this is not explored in-depth ultimately, I can get the sense that at least I was thinking about something. Below, I have started documenting this.

Spatial Navigation in Video Games

Introduction

Navigating new spaces has always been a challenge of balancing stimuli for me. Amidst tumultuous periods for my mental health, I've been thinking about tools that help me manage.

Navigating a space might analogously lead one to navigate their mind in a different way, too. If you take a left turn where you'd otherwise go right, you might make a new discovery in physical space. Just this 'simple' act might help your mind take a left turn, too: allowing you to discover and explore a new part of yourself.

Reversly, navigating your mind might impact your navigation of physical space. Being stuck in the same throught-spirals suck me into my inner world, and out of the physical world, making me blind and numb for the things around me.

Music can help me, providing familiarity in the face of new stimuli. This familiarity is often enough to ground me: a method to not ignore new stimuli, but help me regulate them at a pace I can manage.

However, music is a tool for the mind: it targets inner-world navigation to facilitate outer-world navigation. How might we accomodate for the brave souls focussing on outer-world navigation first? Where might we find familiarity in spatial navigation?

Navigational Elements in Video Games

In video games, a lot of strategies are applied to facilitate (encourage, even!) the navigation of wildly different spaces. Studying these might prove to be a worthwhile effort in gaining insights into spatial navigation in the physical world.

A Study of Navigation Aids in Video Games

Mapping & Wayfinding: Designing Games & Interactive Stories

Maps, world-oriented vs player oriented

Weenies

Lighting

Positive spaces, negative spaces, defensible spaces

Prospect-refuge, cathedral effect

Music

Questions of Accessibility and Neurodiversion

Mapping Autistic Wayfinding in Urban Environments

Spatial uncertainty: the discepancy between a-priori expectation and in-situ experiences.

When talking to Lorenzo, I heard myself say (paraphrased): liminal spaces are so uncanny and alienating, in part because they seem so close, but yet so far. That is similar to the alienating experience of inaccessibility. Say there is a doorstep you physically can't get over, because you're in a wheelchair. Everything behind that door is so close, yet so far.

So, a further study of liminality is worthwhile. In video games, and in general.

Liminality

Game Spaces: On Liminality and the Magic Circle of Games

Homo Ludens

User:Alessia/liminal

User:Senka/special_issue_3/Liminal_Spaces_and_Non-Places

Exploring Liminal Spaces in Video Games (sorbino, YouTube video)

Liminal Spaces in Video Games are Terrifying. (poi, YouTube video)

Puzzle Games (Portal, Superliminal, Talos Principle, Viewfinder)

Survival / Action Exploration Games (Half-Life, Mirror's Edge, BioSchock, Shooters like Borderlands after you've cleared an area)

Interactive Fiction (Stanley Parable, Heaven's Vault)

Intended vs not-intended, diegetic vs non-diegetic

Graphics rendering, noclipping, escaping bounds

References

Week 9

Monday: talking with Martino, Alessia, Lorenzo and Senka. Ideaing with Anita, Mania and Lorenzo.

A cool tunnel to climb in

Tuesday: vape hacking. CD journey

Wednesday: mutual interview with Senka. More CD journey

Pen Plotting Party meeting

Monday, Alessia, Victor and I met with Rogier Arents to talk about plotters. Some links to look into:

• Scriptographer, a scripting plugin for Adobe Illustrator. I have never used illustrater, and when accepted to xpub, I solemnly vowed to never involve myself with the Adobe syndicate henceforth. However, infiltrating this ecosystem to leech intellectual resources seems ok.
• Scriptographer's Jonathan Puckey's website, in particular his Delaunay Raster project -- Delaunay triangulation being the part I worked around for Plotillism.
• Rogier recommended rotring pens.
• DE(P)_LAYER, a Rotterdam based project looing at experimental music publication. Might be interesting with respect to all the album covers I've been plotting.

Week 10

Monday: making decisions

Tuesday: not a very good day

Wednesday: ...

I've been experiencing a feeling of having lost touch with my inner-self over the last 6 weeks or so. Or, now that I am writing this, I may have felt this way since moving end of February (3,5 months ago). I had a talk with Steve. I wanted to express this feeling and discuss some restlessness regarding next year. I've been appreciative of the one-on-one chats with the tutors this trimester, but feel like I haven't used them fully; mostly, these moments focussed on group work I've been doing. While that's useful, too, I don't think it's fully representative of what I want to do next year. I foresee a pitfall for me of using the guidance by the tutors not as a resource to reflect and propel my interests and works already intrinsically motivated, but as an escape into external validation. I'm afraid I'll force an artificial arc of learning and interest to 'please them', so to say.

Steve asked some poignant questions. What are expectations I feel like there are of me? For one: I expect I either can communicate my interests and projects, or communicate my insecurities about them. I feel restless, because I am not convinced I will be able to do this. Although, maybe ironically, maybe naturally, in this conversation I did feel like I was able to express and connect with myself. The introspective journey that is so important to me has been clouded.

Last week, in the mutual interview I did with Senka, we talked about format versus content driven projects. It seems like format driven comes more natural to me. However, looking at my PTMoMNBMs, I feel unsatisfied: apparantly there's something missing. Thinking about media is exciting, and I don't think I'll stop doing it. Something that is a big part of my (self-perceived) identity is (communicating) introspection. However, this is not really present in my projects. Maybe this is part of what I'm missing.

When Steve asked me about what projects were the results of intrinsic motivation, I mentioned exactly those projects that combine this 'format driven' or 'automated' method with a more introspective side: The Hitchhiker's Guide to an Active Archive and User:Thijshijsijsjss/Battles_the_Pale_Grasses_of_Pink_V.

I have found automatic / generative / contrained methods of producing to produce friction with this introspection, but in a very fruitful way. Steve suggested gave some pointers to OuLiPo writings I might delve into.

I feel better after this conversation. Good introspective conversations have been a scarcity lately.

Week 11 + 12

These weeks feel like a haze, mostly due to personal events. Suddenly, the SI is there and I haven't been able to sink my teeth into it. I tried to be selective, but what has this left me with?

I ended up spending most of my time leading up to the SI24 release event working for the Communication / Holding team. I was happy that there was still opportunity for a collaborative effort that way. There was a general sense of splintering and maybe not as much motivation, also in me. In a way, maybe this has been a moment of learning as well: learning to take initiative when the situation demands it. This is difficult, and part of me wishes I was able to initiate more, earlier in the SI already. But towards the end, I do feel like I put in some extra effort, like initiating a mapping exercise that would eventually lead to the promo visual and the sticker sheets.

I am a little unsettled with how little I have to say at this moment. It's not that I don't have experiences to reflect on, nor that I don't want to or am too busy vacationing. But in a way this lack of motivation persists. What's the point? It's more like a lack of meaning, really, not a lack of motivation. Going into the summer break, this scares me to no end. I know I have to keep myself busy in these months, which means there's a need to create meaning for myself somehow. Going into the second year, too, I am worried by this. As mentioned above, I don't want to find myself in a situation where I don't feel passionate for my graduation project, but sort of stumbled into it. How do I find this enthusiasm, and the energy to take this matter into my own hands? Sitting in the studio right now, the first day of summer break, I'm asking myself: is it only possible for me to truly create something meaningful to me if I'm by myself for extended periods of time? Is this the price I have to pay for introspecitve fuel? I know this is not completely true, that it's just voices in my head trying to subtly convinvce me into isolation.

However, in that regard this SI has made me more hopeful. Even though we did work more seperately, I didn't feel in tune with the project at all times, and I was very anxious if we'd be able to pull everything together in the end, ultimately I did feel the group energy the day of the launch. We did manage to get together, and find meaning in the variety momentarily diverged paths. Going into the graduation year, I expect us to diverge even more. But instead of feeling axious, this feeling is making me excited for it. Maybe for personal life, too, I can convince myself of it. Even in diverging paths, even in moments of isolation there's still a connection that remains, and when there's a convergence again, that moment is all the richer.

The Counter-Tourist Information Center in all its glorious bakfietsness

Bijna bestaand boekenhof

Classess

week	name	date
Week 1	Pad of the Monday	2024-04-08
	Pad of the Tuesday	2024-04-09
	Pad of the Wednesday	2024-04-10
Week 2	Monday lists pad	2024-04-15
	Pad of the Wednesday	2024-04-17
Week 3	Pad of the Monday	2024-04-22
	Pad with Tuesday microcontroller code	2024-04-23
Week 5	Pad of the Monday	2024-05-06
	supersecrettuesdaypad	2024-05-07
	supersecretassignmentpad
	Pad of the Wednesday	2024-05-08
	Loitering Glossary	2024-05-09
Week 6	Pad of the Monday	2024-05-13
	Pad of the Tuesday	2024-05-14
	Pad of the Wednesday	2024-05-15
Week 7	Pad of the Tuesday	2024-05-21
	Pad of the Wednesday	2024-05-22
Week 8	Pad of the Tuesday	2024-05-28
	Pad of the Wednesday	2024-05-29
Week 9	Pad of the Monday	2024-06-03
	From Aetherpad to Betherpad
	SI24 Production Pad
	secret calendar
	Pad of the Tuesday	2024-06-04
	Pad of the Wednesday	2024-06-05
	Senka-Thijs interview pad
Week 10	blurb pad	2024-06-10
	Content group 'liminality'	2024-06-10
	Pad of the Wednesday	2024-06-12
Week 11	Issue website pad	2024-06-18
	Map making / annotation exercise	2024-06-18
Week 12	Pad of the Wednesday	2024-06-27
Post-SI "Debrief pad	2024-07-01

Literature

date of addition	title	author(s)	pad(s) and other links	notes
2024-04-08	Why Loiter? Women and Risk on Mumbai Streets	Shilpa Phadke, Sameera Khan, Shilpa Ranade	Bootleg Library Link	We read a piece that I cannot find currently as the library is down
2024-05-13	THE SMARTNESS MANDATE (2022)	Orit Halpern, Robert Mitchell	Bootleg Library Link, mirror	We read the introduction

Project Pages

An index of selected project pages referenced on this page:

• Plotillism
  • Experimentation Documentation
• PTMoMNBM
• Reader?

References