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=why I write=
=Thesis proposal: Writing the Image=


1.
latest: https://docs.google.com/document/d/17f8B3_IX4SmDIgM4GAb3n6-JAGGVsB6zSEMUwA72DLw/edit#


My mom finally mailed me a box of stuff, which she picked out from what I had mailed her from the US the year before. She said she couldn't include the knives. Apparently the government had banned the mailing of sharp objects, which meant my immersion blender didn't make it, either.
My thesis is a memoir in which I reflect on my practice as a writer and filmmaker. It weaves together the personal and the intellectual — namely, my study of film as a medium of expression, union and empathy. I have been jotting down paragraphs since September 2019. There is no particular structure at this moment, but I have noticed recurring questions and the emergence of themes, which are:


My mom sent the box from China. I knew she packed it because I found two plastic bags with the Chinese label, "Bei Yi Department Store." She worked there for more than twenty years before retiring at the age of fifty. I recognized my dad's handwriting on the mailing label. In the field for "detailed description of contents," he wrote — in Chinese characters and then, using the same squarish strokes, English letters — "Clothes" and "Books".
: What are the images that I have held onto over the years?
: How do I use words to express these images?
: What are the meanings and the feelings these images carry?
: Why do I write?
: How do I (learn to) express with filmmaking?


He declared their worth: 1500 US Dollars.
The free-writing can be seen on this page: [[jujube/memoir2]].


Inside the box I found, besides the few books and shirts, two hiking maps from National Geographic and a knitted grocery bag I got in Oaxaca.
I will start to produce via editing and re-writing and substantiate my observations with the text I read and the films/plays/lectures I reviewed as well as realizations from my making. Some key words I have identified are:


I suppose my dad understood the value of these things by putting down a number eleven times higher than their monetary l cost.
: narrative, emotions, emotional intelligence, self-knowledge
: definition of medium, understanding the image, making without knowing all, craft
: solitude, loneliness, spiritual diaspora, trancendance


One of the books was ''Letters to a Young Poet'' by Rainer Maria Rilke, which I ordered the day my college architecture advisor told me to read it, eight years ago.
= References =


We were having a conversation about my future, and he was trying to illuminate by telling me his past.
Things I have read and notated:


"My dad wanted me to be a lawyer," he said, "as an English major, I thought architecture would be the middle ground."
* Campany, D. (2007) The cinematic. London: Whitechapel (Documents of contemporary art, 2007: 5).
* Chee, A. (2018) How to write an autobiographical novel : essays. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
* Kern, S. (2004) A cultural history of causality : science, murder novels, and systems of thought. Princeton: Princeton University Press.
* Farr, I. (2012) Memory. London: Whitechapel Gallery (Documents of contemporary art).
* Mamet, D. (1992) On directing film. New York: Penguin Books.
* Merewether, C. (2006) The archive. London etc: Whitechapel etc (Documents of contemporary art).
* Miall, D. (2011) Emotions and the Structuring of Narrative Responses. Poetics Today 1 June 2011; 32 (2): 323–348. doi: https://doi.org/10.1215/03335372-1162704
* Nussbaum, M. (1988) Narrative Emotions. Ethics, Vol. 98, No. 2., pp. 225-254.
* Shouse, E. (2005) Feeling, Emotion, Affect. M/C Journal 8.6. <http://journal.media-culture.org.au/0512/03-shouse.php>
* Stallabrass, J. (2013) Documentary. London: Whitechapel (Documents of contemporary art).
* Voìgt, Ellen Bryant. Image. New England Review, Vol. 13, No. 3/4, 1991, pp. 254–268. JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/40243421.


I also remember him saying: the present things are clear while the past trickles away. Trickles, tinkles, twinkles, he must have said one of those words. He pressed his fingers together and made a gesture towards something far.
Things I have in the process of reading/notating:


My first ever summer fling used one of Rilke's quotes as his email signature. I was never quite sure why he had chosen that line, "everything is gestation towards birth."


I wrote — had been writing — because I depended on it.
*Bird Cloud, Anne Proulx
*Limbo, Dan Fox
*The Argonauts, Maggie Nelson


If I didn't write, the unsaid words would weigh in my limbs and my chest; I would collapse and burst into a pool of flames.
== Form & concept ==


Things became true when I wrote. The tip of the pen touched the paper, casting thoughts into form. I used to write under a lamp, watching the ink absorbed by the paper with every twist and turns from my hand. I would often got used to a pen and felt uneasy when switching to a new one, which seemed too thick, too smooth, too shiny, too fine.
[[File:Ss1.jpg|400px]] [[File:Ss2.jpg|400px]]


I wrote, but for the longest time I couldn't say I was a writer. Writing was then a private affair. When I eventually found ways to share I would only share a small portion of what I wrote. From the outside they resembled riddles, poetry and sarcasm.
Selected Statuses. A zine I made during the first year consisting of 50 selected status updates that I posted on Facebook from 2013-2018.


There was a distance between me and me, and therefore, there was a distance between me and the world.
[[File:107291.jpg|400px]] [[File:107291 10.jpg |400px]]


2.
Christian Boltanski: Reconstitution [https://www.vincentborrelli.com/pages/books/107291/christian-boltanski/christian-boltanski-reconstitution]. "Heavy brown cardboard box with title printed in black on label pasted to lid, containing 18 items."


When I was 17 or 18, before going to the US, I wrote a letter to myself. Around that time I was enamored by Stefan Zweig, an Austrian Jewish writer most prolific during the 1920's. I bought all the books I could find under his name, thinking one day I would learn German just to read his works in their original language.
== A return to some early thoughts ==


There is one line from that letter that I revisit ever so often, my mind's eye watching my moving hand.
[[Jujube/memoir]]


"One day I will be an author."
== Photos  ==


I wrote in Chinese for all those years. Strange, when I think about that.
do they serve as illustration, prompts?


3.
: a plastic bag with Chinese label
: sketching a room: a series
: still from Scene 1


I used to write short stories filled with inner monologues.
TBC


A woman waiting for her flight to a Thanksgiving dinner.
== Annotated Bibliography ==


A woman losing her favorite color.
This is a synthesis of some materials I have read so far. The annotations are colloquial at the moment. As the synthesis continues I plan to become more precise with the literature and succinct in my annotations.


A woman afraid of the color green.
=== feelings ===
 
A factory worker unable to find a stone from his pocket.
 
 
== plays ==
 
== images ==
 
The first time I saw a dandelion I was twenty years old.
 
--
 
--
 
--
 
"Being here is a demarcation of time," I wrote that in September, 2018.
 
I wanted to make a speech about the physical and internal turmoil, some of which I endured and some of which I inflicted on myself. But I didn't.  Instead I showed some works from the past. The first website I made, the last website I made. A series of photos. A snapshot of a play script.
 
= key texts=
 
== feelings ==


* [[Jujube/synopsis#United_by_Feelings]]
* [[Jujube/synopsis#United_by_Feelings]]
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A few people whose judgement I trust have told me, "nobody can ever understand you in totality," which I have come to agree. In trying to be understood, I finally become able to understand myself. And that's where I connect self-compassion and empathy.
A few people whose judgement I trust have told me, "nobody can ever understand you in totality," which I have come to agree. In trying to be understood, I finally become able to understand myself. And that's where I connect self-compassion and empathy.


== memories ==
=== memories ===


* [[Jujube/synopsis#Siegfried_Kracauer:_Memory_Images.2C_1927]]
* [[Jujube/synopsis#Siegfried_Kracauer:_Memory_Images.2C_1927]]
Line 99: Line 95:
I want others to understand, through these images, something about me, something about themselves.
I want others to understand, through these images, something about me, something about themselves.


== the making of images without language ==
=== the making of images without language ===


*[[Jujube/synopsis#The_Cinematic_.28DoCA.29]]
*[[Jujube/synopsis#The_Cinematic_.28DoCA.29]]
Line 120: Line 116:
I ask more concrete questions through the things I make:  
I ask more concrete questions through the things I make:  


Do narrative and personal memory ever come together, or must one become fictionalized? If I want to evoke feeling, should I construct a story around it?
Do narrative and personal memory ever come together? Is that the form of the Memoir? Or Must one become fictionalized?
 
How to evoke the sense from memory? (Is this a how question?)
 
Or, if I want to evoke feeling, should I construct a story around it?


== causality, narrative, dramatic logic ==
=== causality, narrative, dramatic logic ===


* [[Jujube/synopsis#Stephen_Kern:_A_Cultural_History_of_Causality_.7C_Chapter_5:_Emotion]]
* [[Jujube/synopsis#Stephen_Kern:_A_Cultural_History_of_Causality_.7C_Chapter_5:_Emotion]]
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Narrative, in the dramatic sense, follows dramaturgy.
Narrative, in the dramatic sense, follows dramaturgy.


= a collection of little books =
=== other ===


[[File:Little-black-classic-book-009.jpg |800px]]
In writing the thesis I am also finding its epistemological position and discursivity. Rather than creating new knowledge, I emphasize the understanding and revisiting of existing knowledge. In a way, can films heal? If so, how so?


[[File:Screen Shot 2019-09-18 at 15.36.50.png |800px]]
=Feedback=


[[File:Ss1.jpg | 800px]]
03.10 https://pad.xpub.nl/p/jueartemisrita

Latest revision as of 16:08, 15 November 2019

Thesis proposal: Writing the Image

latest: https://docs.google.com/document/d/17f8B3_IX4SmDIgM4GAb3n6-JAGGVsB6zSEMUwA72DLw/edit#

My thesis is a memoir in which I reflect on my practice as a writer and filmmaker. It weaves together the personal and the intellectual — namely, my study of film as a medium of expression, union and empathy. I have been jotting down paragraphs since September 2019. There is no particular structure at this moment, but I have noticed recurring questions and the emergence of themes, which are:

What are the images that I have held onto over the years?
How do I use words to express these images?
What are the meanings and the feelings these images carry?
Why do I write?
How do I (learn to) express with filmmaking?

The free-writing can be seen on this page: jujube/memoir2.

I will start to produce via editing and re-writing and substantiate my observations with the text I read and the films/plays/lectures I reviewed as well as realizations from my making. Some key words I have identified are:

narrative, emotions, emotional intelligence, self-knowledge
definition of medium, understanding the image, making without knowing all, craft
solitude, loneliness, spiritual diaspora, trancendance

References

Things I have read and notated:

  • Campany, D. (2007) The cinematic. London: Whitechapel (Documents of contemporary art, 2007: 5).
  • Chee, A. (2018) How to write an autobiographical novel : essays. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
  • Kern, S. (2004) A cultural history of causality : science, murder novels, and systems of thought. Princeton: Princeton University Press.
  • Farr, I. (2012) Memory. London: Whitechapel Gallery (Documents of contemporary art).
  • Mamet, D. (1992) On directing film. New York: Penguin Books.
  • Merewether, C. (2006) The archive. London etc: Whitechapel etc (Documents of contemporary art).
  • Miall, D. (2011) Emotions and the Structuring of Narrative Responses. Poetics Today 1 June 2011; 32 (2): 323–348. doi: https://doi.org/10.1215/03335372-1162704
  • Nussbaum, M. (1988) Narrative Emotions. Ethics, Vol. 98, No. 2., pp. 225-254.
  • Shouse, E. (2005) Feeling, Emotion, Affect. M/C Journal 8.6. <http://journal.media-culture.org.au/0512/03-shouse.php>
  • Stallabrass, J. (2013) Documentary. London: Whitechapel (Documents of contemporary art).
  • Voìgt, Ellen Bryant. Image. New England Review, Vol. 13, No. 3/4, 1991, pp. 254–268. JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/40243421.

Things I have in the process of reading/notating:


  • Bird Cloud, Anne Proulx
  • Limbo, Dan Fox
  • The Argonauts, Maggie Nelson

Form & concept

Ss1.jpg Ss2.jpg

Selected Statuses. A zine I made during the first year consisting of 50 selected status updates that I posted on Facebook from 2013-2018.

107291.jpg 107291 10.jpg

Christian Boltanski: Reconstitution [1]. "Heavy brown cardboard box with title printed in black on label pasted to lid, containing 18 items."

A return to some early thoughts

Jujube/memoir

Photos

do they serve as illustration, prompts?

a plastic bag with Chinese label
sketching a room: a series
still from Scene 1

TBC

Annotated Bibliography

This is a synthesis of some materials I have read so far. The annotations are colloquial at the moment. As the synthesis continues I plan to become more precise with the literature and succinct in my annotations.

feelings

I want to evoke feelings. I believe it is shared human nature and thus a way to foster empathy. Empathy comes from compassion (understanding and love) for the self.

I can now say this, with certainty and humility, that I want to surround myself with understanding and thus create a world where people understand each other. If you see me in you, and if I see you in me, perhaps the world will suffer less.

A few people whose judgement I trust have told me, "nobody can ever understand you in totality," which I have come to agree. In trying to be understood, I finally become able to understand myself. And that's where I connect self-compassion and empathy.

memories

Memories are images strung together. Words construct images — words come to me via memories.

A few people told me that my writing touches or bring to mind images.

That's how poetry works, I suppose.

I want others to understand, through these images, something about me, something about themselves.

the making of images without language

"A film is a story or a proposition... that is shaped, angled, finite, intended, whether it is a documentary, an art installation, a bit of gritty realism, or a full-blown fantasy... A film-maker is a person who makes such things."

I encountered the camera not through intention, but chance.

If you ask, "why the camera," I would say:

I took a chance. I connected the dots from my past. I was curious.

And I have been privileged to stay with it, hold it, test it. I have become decisive and considerate with its help — I am an ally, and more importantly, a student.

"And why film?"

I discovered time through film. I unearthed my intention about image-making. In writing and in making films I am drawing a very, very large circle, some sort of infinity that help me understand my being in this world.

I ask more concrete questions through the things I make:

Do narrative and personal memory ever come together? Is that the form of the Memoir? Or Must one become fictionalized?

How to evoke the sense from memory? (Is this a how question?)

Or, if I want to evoke feeling, should I construct a story around it?

causality, narrative, dramatic logic

Causality is important in determining narrative. Different time periods (cultures) tend to favor different causality. (Perpetuations of the unhealty, unresolved kind seem irresponsible.)

Narrative, in the dramatic sense, follows dramaturgy.

other

In writing the thesis I am also finding its epistemological position and discursivity. Rather than creating new knowledge, I emphasize the understanding and revisiting of existing knowledge. In a way, can films heal? If so, how so?

Feedback

03.10 https://pad.xpub.nl/p/jueartemisrita

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