Harriet Lerner - On Mothers and Daughters

The relationship to mother is special for everyone and it's never easy but always ambivalent. Every daughter is disappointed due to unrealistic expectations of their mothers. The role of motherhood is impossible to fulfill. It is very common to shame and blame mothers and to distance and trying to fix mothers. But there actually is little talking and little of recognizing their competence. It's crucial to develop a more objective view of mothers, putting them into context and looking at the role of motherhood at the time and seeing motherhood as an institution of its time.

Back in the days where motherhood was being defined by experts who told mothers whats right and what's not right, there was no room for feelings such as anger and rage. Feeling shame and self-guilt is very common among mothers and mothers-blaming is too. What's pushing guilt feelings is the idea that divorce is bad for the kids (not true!). It's to keep mothers in place - women feel as if its their own personal failure. But any other institution or business with a 50% failure rate would be considered wrong - not the people in it.

There is a huge amount of internalized maternal guilt.

Many mothers are depressed and their daughters are angry at them because of that. The daughters also feel guilt and anxiety about having more opportunities now which is normal. The roles of women are changing so fast. The generation of women now carve out a new model of what it means to be a woman, and it's different from the models of all previous generations.

Metrophobia: Fear of being like ones mother. The urge to be as unlike your mother as possible doesn't leave much room for self development.

Differentiation of self: staying connected while remaining ourselves. Not about changing or fixing the other.

Learning about our mothers history to see her in a much larger context! It's very hard to know our mothers, nobody is rational or objective about their mothers. Motherhood has forever been glorified or blamed. Romantic idealization or blame - Polarity view happens also between mothers and daughters (bad mother / perfect mother). Do a genogram! Ask respectfully about mothers history.

Being valued and being praised is not the same! Mothers and children are the most economically unprotected group in the US - society glorifies motherhood and family but it doesn't value it.

Betty Carter - Family Therapist and feminist

Adrienne Rich - Of Woman Born: Motherhood as Experience and Institution. 2nd wave feminist classic

Synopsis

Harriet Lerner sees motherhood as an institution that has to be put into the context of its time. Women who are mothers are subject to enormous expectations on a social level as well as on a personal level. Children often fail to see their mothers as a whole and don't attribute competences to their mothers. Mothers feel a huge amount of internalized maternal self-guilt and shame. It's all part of a society that glorifies motherhood but doesn't value it and leave mothers and children economically unprotected.