Brené Brown

Rising Strong

Synopsis from "fourminutebooks"

1-Sentence-Summary

Rising Strong describes a 3-phase process of bouncing back from failure, which you can implement both in your own life and as a team or company, in order to embrace setbacks as part of life, deal with your emotions, confront your own ideas and rise stronger every time.

Brené Brown doesn’t always pick up a pen, but when she does…she writes a bestseller. Seriously. This is her third and latest #1 New York Times bestseller, all of which deal with vulnerability, worthiness, fear, bravery and other emotions, which can hold us back (or propel us forward) in life.

Rising Strong is about recovering from failure, in order to not be held back by your past mistakes from trying again. In Daring Greatly, Brené made a case for being vulnerable, but it takes courage to do so and it entails risk. This book is about learning how to not shy away from that risk, stepping up and saying “Yes, let me try that again.” even after you’ve failed before.

The process of rising strong is divided into three distinct phases, which, once you know the underlying principles of, you can recognize and move through again and again to get stronger with each of your failures.

Here are the 3 phases in more detail:

Reckon with your emotions by noticing and investigating them. Rumble with the stories you tell yourself to uncover false beliefs. Revolutionize your attitude with the results, like Brené changed hers about generosity. Do you want to recover from rough patches faster? Then let’s learn how to rise stronger together!

Lesson 1: Reckoning is when you pay attention to your emotions and dare to ask questions about them.

Do you know someone who seems to take setbacks like they’re no big deal? Someone, who can pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and just soldier on, despite the odds being overwhelmingly against them? I know someone like that: me.

I’ve always had an unwavering sense of optimism, which my parents instilled in me, but only in the past two years has it become really productive, in the sense that I rarely fret about what went wrong and instead focus my energy on fixing it.

Therefore, I can vouch for the two steps Brené describes as the parts of reckoning with your emotions:

Recognize your emotions, by giving yourself permission to feel. Ask yourself why you’re feeling these emotions, be curious and investigate. The reason this works is that by being curious, you’re automatically coming up with creative solutions.

For example, this morning a plumber came by our new flat to fix the water in the kitchen sink, bathroom sink and toilet. He arrived at 8:30 AM, and worked until 2 PM. I had to be there the whole time, and since there’s no wifi yet, I got frustrated that things took so long. After recognizing this and asking myself why, I noticed that it was because I felt he was keeping me from working, but immediately realized he’s helping me and that the more things he can fix right now, the less appointments I need to make in total.

My frustration went away instantly and I could relax, let him do his work, and thank him for his help when he left.

But in order to ask these questions, you first have to know what you’re feeling and that requires a lot of work and paying attention.

Lesson 2: Rumbling is what happens when you write down the story you tell yourself, real or not.

Trying to predict the future, based on what’s happened in the past is one way that the narrative fallacy makes us jump to the wrong conclusions. But this doesn’t just happen with logical facts and events, it also happens with our feelings.

We make up stories to cope with our emotions, but sometimes these stories turn into traps we can’t seem to escape from. For example, if your partner leaves you for someone else, you’ll start asking yourself what you did wrong and might eventually come to the conclusion that you didn’t deserve them, because they were too good for you. This’ll help you deal with the break-up, but it will also trap you inside the belief that you’re undeserving of love in general.

But it’s just a story you tell yourself, nothing more. Rumbling is about keeping these stories in check. It’s like a bullshit detector for your own thoughts.

Brené likes to rumble by writing down the story she tells herself about a given situation, which she calls her shitty first draft.

It’s a simple “fill-in-the-blanks” template:

The story I’m making up is…

My emotions tell me…

My body feels…

My thinking seems…

My actions are…

The next time you feel bad, fill in these blanks and write down your shitty first draft. You’ll instantly get some distance, be able to objectively judge your story and be less likely to fall into the trap of your own narrative.

Lesson 3: When you channel your insights from rumbling into positive changes, a revolution follows.

Here’s how reckoning and rumbling can come together to spark a revolution. At a fundraiser for the homeless, Brené’s pastor said: “When you look away from a homeless person, you diminish their humanity.”

Hearing this made her really uncomfortable, so she reckoned with her feelings and discovered that she couldn’t look at homeless people herself, because from her privileged point of view begging seemed like a weak thing to do.

Her shitty first draft said that she didn’t help others enough, that she’s ashamed of how much she has compared to how much she does and that she must do more.

She revolutionized her attitude towards other people and even learned that asking for help is a key part of rising strong, instead of a sign of weakness. That’s a true revolution and that’s what happens when you reckon and rumble with your feelings and thoughts.

Daring Greatly

Synopsis from "fourminutebooks"

1-Sentence-Summary: Daring Greatly is a book about having the courage to be vulnerable in a world where everyone wants to appear strong, confident and like they know what they’re doing.

This book, one of her three New York Times bestsellers, explains how vulnerability is at the core of all feelings – not just bad ones like fear, anxiety and shame, but also good ones like love, joy, and passion.

She says that we could all use a little more vulnerability in our lives, because it’s neither bad nor good. It just is, and embracing it means being courageous.

Here are 3 lessons about vulnerability and how you can be courageous enough to step into it when you fear it the most:

Vulnerability means strength, not weakness. Understand and verbalize your shame to make it go away. Children can only become who you are, so be a role model. Are you willing to open up and let this book into your life? I hope you are, because Brené’s ideas are very powerful.

Lesson 1: If you can be vulnerable, it means you’re strong.

First, Brené makes two core points about vulnerability.

Vulnerability isn’t good or bad. It’s not a black and white subject. It’s just a part of life and if you experience it, it means you’re able to feel things. Allowing yourself to actually be vulnerable is a sign of strength and courage. It’s a lot easier to avoid the things that might make you vulnerable, rather than lean into them. But that also means we’re missing out on a lot of good things. For example, if you’ve ever loved someone you know that being in love makes you very vulnerable. You allow someone into your heart and give them incredible power, which includes the power to hurt you. But only if you accept this state of vulnerability do you have a shot at all the love, joy and kindness you might experience from that relationship. This means vulnerability isn’t just the source of pain and grief, but also the root of many positive emotions.

Note: I’m getting coffee with a girl I haven’t really seen in six years today. I was in love with her in high school and it scares the shit out of me to see her again. But if I don’t go I’ll never know why, so my best bet is to go there, be vulnerable, show myself and see what’s to come.

Second, you could hide from the things that make you vulnerable. The responsibility for a project at work. The girl or guy you haven’t seen in forever. The art you want to create. But you know that’s a cop out. Leaning into vulnerability is something only the strong, the truly courageous can do.

Lesson 2: Build a resilience to shame by understanding it and saying it out loud.

What’s worse than completely bombing a speaking gig? Being ashamed about bombing a speaking gig and never doing one again.

There’s a quote that goes “Failure is temporary, giving up is what makes it permanent.” Shame is what makes you give up.

“I’m ashamed that I wasn’t there for my son when he was little.”

“I’m ashamed I didn’t try harder at being a good wedding planner.”

“I’m ashamed at work, because my co-workers talk about me behind my back.”

Have you thought any of these? Or other variations? I bet you have. But have you said them? Try it. I just did this morning. There’s a certain level of ridicule to be found in every single shame you express. Pinpointing what actually makes you feel ashamed and saying it out loud takes a lot of power from shame.

Nobody wants to talk about shame. It’s uncomfortable. But the less you do, the more power it has. Instead, pull at it. Drag it out. Throw it into the light. And address it directly. You’ll see things aren’t as worrisome as they seem and that you can live past failure.

Lesson 3: Be a role model for your (future) kids, it’s the only way they learn.

Whether you have kids or not, I thought this was worth taking away. Your children can only inherit qualities you possess yourself.

If you’re sloppy, your children will be sloppy. If you’re organized, your children will be organized. And if you’re constantly shame-ridden, you’ll traumatize your kids by making them feel the same.

If you’ve been bullied, threatened or otherwise traumatized as a kid, you know that most childhood trauma comes from shame. Shame about an event, behavior, or even just about how others have treated us.

Therefore, it’s your job to make your home and family a shame-free zone. It’s the only way your kids will grow up feeling worthy, loved and able to truly be themselves.

Instead of talking about values like honesty, courage and ambition, live them. Be honest. Be courageous. Be ambitious. The best thing you can do for your kids, born or not, is to be a role model. It’s all the parenting they need.