Mathilde Nai -

*CHOP SUEY*  

Inauthentic Chinese

What do you want to make?

The goal of this thesis is to document my process of exploring my mostly Chinese heritage and dealing with my alienation from it through a series of stylised photographs.

I will be producing a series of photographs exploring my journey into my family history coming from China to Surinam and finally to The Netherlands and how it culminated into the person I am today. My anger towards growing up in a western country and dealing with racism and Chinese stereotypes. The feeling of unbelonging because of the rejection coming from every culture that I come from.

But also pride. Pride that I have this unique and complicated background. Pride of being Asian because Asian don’t raisin! And pride that I have this enormous culture to explore that I haven’t yet dipped my toes into.

In a previous assessment I showed a photograph of a model in a straw hat at a Chinese restaurant, because I wanted the straw hat has been used in Dutch carnivals as a way of "dressing up like a chinese". I wanted to take this ridicule away from this hat and turn it around into a fashion item. An item to be proud of as opposed to ashamed. This story, however, didn't translate into the work, but it was the start of the idea for this thesis.

Why do you want to make it?

I didn’t grow up with Chinese culture myself; my parents are Chinese born Surinamese (both half Chinese, half other things) and my family lived in Surinam for three generations before coming to The Netherlands, where I, my sister and my brother were born.

My whole (extended) family can be described as “from Asia”. My grandpa is Indonesian originally, I have an aunt who is from Korea, we are sort of Chinese but also sort of Vietnamese? My mom really doesn’t like China or Chinese culture and so I grew up with a very confusing question of “but what are we?”.

I feel like I don’t identify anywhere. I used to be very into Japanese culture and even studied the Japanese language for a while. Not to mention I was a huge Weeb growing up. It’s embarrassing. I feel like I identified with Japanese culture the most because I wanted to identify with something Asian, but I also inherited my mom’s dismissal of our Chinese heritage.

Growing up in white schools I, too, was bullied for being Chinese. Not to mention the “Hanki Panic Shanghai” birthday song successfully making every Asian kid in class feel ashamed of not only not being white, but also “why are your eyes so squinty?”. I grew up with the “every single blond person is by default better looking than every single not white person” beauty standard and it made me very insecure from a very young age. I always felt like a second class citizen of this country. And it really made me resent this country and it’s people in.

I want to make this work because almost my entire life I have rejected a culture that I share the most blood with and that I look like most. Which in its essence is self-rejection. I don’t accept who I am, but why? Why am I ashamed of who I am? I want to be proud of who I am, I want to acknowledge that maybe I don’t have to belong to a culture. What is beloning anyway?

How do you plan to make it?

I essentially want to put the thoughts and fears and emotions described below into my work.

Fears and doubts into the exploration of Chinese culture.

I told a tutor before that I started working at a Chinese gift shop in order to learn about my Chinese heritage.This seemed to be an almost crude way of minimising the entirety of the culture into one gift shop (I swear it’s really authentic), but I stand by my words! For me starting out at the gift shop seemed like a non-threatening way of getting to know a culture I know very little about.

But with this exploration also come fears and questions: Am I allowed to get to know and own a culture that I feel like I am an outsider at? I almost didn’t want to show my Chinese shoot to another Chinese student from China, because she is a real Chinese and and what if she thinks I’m a fake bitch who isn’t allowed to? My exploration into the culture can be quite surface level, but is it then also not allowed because I’m not digging as deep as I should or is it okay because my own heritage is quite surface level? This will focussing on me specifically.

Coping and ridicule of Asian stereotypes. 

Like I said before I was bullied for being Asian in my youth. As I grew up I developed a different way of dealing with these bullies and stereotypes. Pretending like it doesn’t do shit to you proved my most effective way of dealing with it. So when people called me “poep-chinees” I just called them a “melkfles (jug of milk)” and laughed in their faces. My sister and I sang the “Hanki Panki Shanghai” song to each other on our birthdays. Sometimes I think the squinty eyes, big teeth, rice hat wearing fella is kind of funny. When I do it.

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  Asian stereotypes

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  Asian Stereotypes

Lately there's been a big uproar about this Krupup packaging which also features the stereotypical Chinese with rice hat and I wanted to buy the packaging so that I could do kind of a "Maybe we do look like this in our free time" type of photo. But they had already changed it, so I did a quick and bad photoshop with the packaing.

I went to the Museum of Chinese in America in New York (Moca) and discovered a bunch of Chinese caricature drawings where the Chinese men were the scary Fu Man Chu! Which is inherently offensive of course, but honestly I thought it was kind of cool because they give Chinese this whole air of being almost supernatural, wizard, vampire type people. Which is kind of awesome?

Exploring the culture within the aesthetics aspect. 

Lastly I would like to explore traditions and aspects of the culture that I find beautiful and identify with. I would like to create work where I am actively exploring the culture with a specifically fashion vocabulaire and aesthetics borrowed classically Chinese artworks, photographs and movies. This also means exploring symbolism and using them in my work. Below is some old work where I did a style comparison of a photo I took and a classic photograph of a Chinese woman.

What is your timetable?

• Lots of prototyping and experimenting
• Fears and doubts into the exploration of Chinese culture - doing more research into the feeling of unbelonging. (Terms like: “transnational” “diasporic” “unbelonging”)
• Reflection
• Acceptance and ridicule of Asian stereotypes. - Recreation of stereotypes.
• Reflection
• Exploring the culture within the aesthetics aspect - finding classically Chinese artwork, borrowing elements of these * artworks and translating them into my own work.
• Reflection
• Publishing and presenting

Who can help you and how?

As for the unbelonging aspect I would like to talk to more people who also feel like they don’t belong to any one culture and why we feel the way we do. Reason for this is to also debunk my own made-up ‘criteria’ for when someone ‘belongs’ to a culture. For example a friend of mine is half-Italian/half-Tunesian also born in the Netherlands. She speaks Arabic and yet she tells me she doesn’t feel like she belongs within the Tunisian community at all despite speaking the language. This is because, to them, she doesn’t speak it ‘well enough’.

For the acceptance and ridicule of Asian stereotypes I would like to work with other Asians willing to model these stereotypes so that we can create these types of offensive scenes and turn them around as a way of empowering ourselves!

Exploring the culture within an aesthetic aspect means talking to Chinese people who are knowledgeable of the symbolism and classical traditions. So I would like to talk to Yu Ching more about this!

Relation to a larger context

While this specific story might be personal to me, the feeling of unbelonging is something many people struggle with and a growing number of people will be struggling with. As travel becomes easier, the world gets to be smaller and more people will procreate with someone of a different culture. Schools these days are more and more mixed. We are already living in a world where lots of people come from multiple heritages and there is almost no place for the gatekeeping of these cultures.

It would be nice to have other people see this work and relate to this aspect of it so that we can perhaps create an open dialog.