Creative Writing, Paula

Here I collect drafts of writings I'm working on to get a grip of what interests me and finding a voice in this particular practice. I practice writing as a creative practice in addition to my image making and I hope that at some point I can bring these two paths together.

Audiences - February 19

I remember as a kid I used to love putting on my mothers make-up, wear fancy dresses and pretend to be someone else. I guess most kids do that. In play we let our imagination take over and let ourselves be whoever we want to be; doing whatever we want this person to do. Being both, the performer and the audience at the same time. For a performer, I was certain of that, needs an audience. Since I was lacking an audience I decided to become my own. I became the kind of audience one could only hope for: a cheering, excited and enthusiastic audience. Always hungry for more and always pushing the performance further. Sometimes I would become tired of dancing, tired of

Now, what has become of me? A performer without audience again. A performer afraid of the audience even. And longing for it at the same time.

rehearsing tragedy audience becomes autonomes self from which I can’t withdraw criticism becomes more and more

I indulged in that kind of play.

Childhood passed and so did the time of playing but the desire to be someone else stayed and even grew bigger with time. When I looked into the mirror I couldn’t relate to the person I saw. I would try to tick my reflection to prove to myself that this is not me.

Anyone. It really didn't matter who. I wasn't particularly drawn to beautiful people with fancy lives, much money or success. I just deeply deeply felt that I didn't want to be myself. I was longing to be someone who doesn't feel the need to pretend to be someone else all the time.

In fact pretending to be someone else was something that has accompanied me all my life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nACj50uq6_s

Not Invited - February, 17

Once again I'm not invited. I thought this happens only when you are a child or a teenager at most. Not at this age. Not again and again and again. Once again I'm not invited. Not invited to share my thoughts. To turn them into words and speak them out loud. But what if I do have something to say? Who will I tell it to? My alien friend. Will you be my companion, my pal? Will you, dear unknown stranger, stick with me? Just for now - that's all I'm asking for. Together, we can confirm our existence to one another. I need you to do that for me. Confirm me. Comfort me. Be my witness. For I cannot confirm myself. I cannot comfort myself. I need you to do that for me. I need you to be the witness of my last words: For tomorrow I will fall silent. And I will remain silent from this day forward for the rest of my life. I refuse to speak again once and for all.

To say goodbye to the speaking part of the world I prepared a list of my favorite words for each letter of the alphabet. I will read them to you: Amnesia, Boredom, Claustrophobia, Delusion, Ether, Fukushima ...

I'm inviting you to let me guide you through this. For there are rules to be obeyed. Rules I need to tell you, Rules without which I cannot continue.

Rule Number One: Be present. Don't leave the room. Don't check your phone. Give me your full attention. I need it. I long for it. I deserve it.

Rule Number Two: Watch this by yourself and share it only with people who you know also decided to fall silent.

Rule Number Three: Erase this video after watching it.

As these are my last words, you might think I must have chosen them carefully. I did not. I will not pretend to hold some kind of wisdom ready for you. I will neither have advise, nor answers. I just want you to share this with me so I don't have to be alone. You are going to be my last audience.

I've been wanting to quit talking for quite some time already. But I'm never satisfied with my last sentence. It has to be something special, something deep and meaningful. I can't stop talking before I haven't found the right last sentence. I just won't accept anything mediocre. I did have it once but then there was nobody i could share it with. That obviously doesn't count then. So you have to stick with me tonight until i find it again.

One word for each letter of the alphabet. For the POV of someone doing a video confession.

What it means to have no audience From tomorrow on I will never speak again. Decide to remain silent Silence as resistance Roleplay The healing power of words

I need you to mirror me. To compensate, to comfort. For I can't confirm

Witness

Memory

Maybe only writing because never having to read it In fact i chose this form in order to avoid audience urge to perform but not in front of people, tension between outgoing and introverted What would my life be like if I remembered all the things my body tried so hard to forget?

Steffen L.

I get into my car and start driving. The streets are crowded and the traffic is hectic. I drive almost automatically. Changing lanes, stopping, accelerating - it feels like a meditation. I planned enough time to get there on time: at a parking lot outside Berlin. I place I have never heard of before. My thoughts are circling around the upcoming encounter. S. suggested time and place: 4pm at the parking lot of Lidl, right after he finished working. Last week didn’t work out, he had to postpone our meeting due to a business trip. I didn’t mind. It gives me more time to find out what I’m actually expecting. I don’t know - I still don’t know. That postponed week doesn’t give me any answers. His wife thinks he will be at the gym, that gives us a time span of one and a half hours. I’m excited, my heart beats faster than usual. And I think about what he might look like. I've only seen some images but my guess is they are not very recent. We have talked on the phone before but only the settle date and time of our meeting.

We meet and he instantly starts talking about his wife, their marriage troubles and their how their sex life has faded out. He also talks about the education of his kids. He doesn’t ask me anything. While he nervously talks on and on I’m looking out the window. We are passing fields and a small river. I’m absorbed in thought, wondering about the image I’m about to take. I’m curious how he will present himself.

Ist es möglich, dass ich es vielleicht doch der Treffen wegen mache? Dass es mir gar nicht wirklich um das Bild geht. Sondern um den Puls, die Aufregung, das Geheimnisvolle? Nutze ich die Kamera und ihn aus um mir meinen eigenen Kick zu holen? Um mich lebendig zu fühlen? Ich schiebe den Gedanken beiseite und versuche mich wieder auf das Gespräch zu konzentrieren.

• Ich ärgere mich über die Bemerkung und die frage mich warum Typen sich immer das Recht herausnehmen einem zu sagen, wie attraktiv, nett, hübsch oder streng sie einen finden. Danach habe ich doch gar nicht gefragt. Ich komme doch auch nicht auf die Idee ihm zu sagen, dass er nicht „meinem Typ“ entspricht. Was soll denn das? Wie sind doch nicht auf einem blind date! Oder doch?

-> Ein Fotoprojekt ohne Bilder. Den Voyeurismus unbefriedigt lassen. Spannung durch Text aufbauen. Bilder lösen sie aber nicht auf. Fetish of being photographed. It's his secret. I want his image - he wants me to take his image = perfect match.