Harriet Lerner - The Dance of Deception

On Deception and Truth-Telling -> part of everyday life in all species throughout nature

Pretending and Truth-Telling are not always opposites. Pretending for example my be an indirect move towards truth. In pretending love or courage for example we may discover that it really does exist or that we can enhance our capacity for it. Sometimes pretending is a form of experimentation or imitation that widens our experience and our sense of possibility. It reflects a wish to find ourselves in order to be ourselves.

Aim of this book: Examine how all of us engage with deception and approach truth-telling. A subject that is at the heart of who we are in the world. And what kind of world this is.

What is the right thing?

Book: "The right to lie" Dr. Robert Walk 1970 -> examples of lies that in their view strengthen intimate relationships eg fertility. These lies are born out of necessity and kindness and serve the loving bond.

People justify lying when they think it serves a protective or greater good. But cultural norms have changed.

When it comes to interpreting the motivation of others we can never know the whole story. People might think of their lies as noble lies, as protecting someone etc

How do we know when deception is right, harmless, justified or good for someone in our lives? We differ in our responses to the many way in which people deliberately distort or conceal the truth or how they reveal it. All our experiences and circumstances shape our philosophy of what is and is not the truth and when and how to tell it.

He deserving the facts / He should be protected from the truth / I don't really wanna know if he is sleeping around

Example: Telling a person on a plane when asked if married telling her that she lives with a woman. Responses of friends (all gay and committed to fight homophobia) differ a lot: 1) honest and brave, if all were like her it would be the greatest weapon against homophobia, she creates the world she wants to live in 2) no telling strangers: need for privacy, she does it for shock value 3) it's not honesty but failure to protect herself, it's crazy 4) no approval, it doesn't do any good, people have to like you first before I open up, just telling them is not strategic

-> Honesty (Whom, What, When and How to tell) is a complex business