Harriet Lerner - The Dance of Intimicy

The book is about making responsible and lasting changes that enhance our capacity for genuine closeness over the long hall.

Intimate relationship: We can be who we are and allow the other person to be the same. Being who we are: Talk openly, take clear position on important subjects, clearify limits of whats acceptable. Allow the other person the same without wanting to change, convince or fix them. In an intimate relationship neither party silences, sacrifices or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way.

Only through our connectedness to others can we really know and enhance the self. And only through working on the self can we begin to enhance the connectedness to others.

Will to change and fear of change. Will of change makes us seek help and fear of change makes us resist the help we seek. Ambivalent feeling towards change: will to change and to remain the same. Often our strengths and weaknesses stem from the same strands - inseparable nature.

Small moves instead of aiming big trying to change all at once. Our sense of identity, stability and continuity depend on a maintaining a high level of sameness, predictability and non-change. But change is constant.

Achieve selfhood as a big goal in our society. Carving out clear and authentic self and defining selfhood is a dilemma for women who were told by men what to be for centuries. Selflessness, self sacrifies and service were time-honored values for our mothers and grandmothers and now we should be strong, assertive, separate and independent as a whole (but not necessarily in single relationships). Change takes time and we know best when is a good time and what the dose should be.