Week 5 Protocols For Bad Customer Service

Radio Worm - Protocols for Collective Performance - Week 5:

Claudio

Wyn

Fred

Charlie

In this week's radio performance, we use protocols—those rules and procedures commonly found in bureaucratic and corporate systems—as a central theme. 

Protocols

Redaction protocol

“Secrecy is another by-product of administrative power. ‘Every bureaucracy seeks to increase the superiority of the professionally informed by keeping their knowledge and intentions secret’, wrote sociologist Max Weber. Visual representations of ‘official secrets’—as Max Weber calls them—can be found in the form of redacted documents, both for legal, financial, or security purposes. A request for government documents can produce pages full of blacked-out lines, as if it was abstract art. The stupidity and irra- tionality of bureaucratic reasoning as someone within the adminis- tration painstakingly has to go over the text line by line, rendering information useless.” - CAPS LOCK, Ruben Pater

Audio

Hold music

Unitedn Airlines

Amazon

BestBuy

Fedex

Ikea

Samsung

Polycom

Best Hold Music Ever https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5r98QdCRR68
Cisco Opus Number One (BADGRRL Rework) https://soundcloud.com/sparx_x_x/cisco-opus-number-one-badgrrl-rework
Hold (Opus number 1 Tribute) https://soundcloud.com/user-849824270-948673776/hold-opus-number-1-tribute

Dial and ringing

Dialing number - hectic

Dial tone

Dial and ringing

Call connecting

Ringing x 3

Ringing x 3

ringing 4min30

When you dial to fax machine instead of landline

Sound of dial-up internet

Dial up modem handshake

Number unavailable

Picking-up

Hanging-up

Voicemail beep

Censoring beep

0.5sec

1sec

3sec

10sec

Telephone Ringtones

Office phone

2010s house phone

Shrill ringtone

Vintage telephone

8bit ringtone

Telephone ringing in distance

Static

Signal Interference

Static noises

Radio static

Tuning radio static

Electrical static

Grainy static

WeeWooWeeWoo static

Weird military static and Jingle

Audio mix

Disturbances in connection

Disturbances in connection + Helphelphelp

Disturbances in connection + Helphelphelp + Hold Music

Intro: Pre-recorded operator message

1. "You’re calling, ‘The company’. Your call is very important to us, it will be answered soon. please wait on the line."

2. "Here at our business, we run the best business that you can possibly find. Nobody else does business quite like us. Thanks for holding"

3. "Are you a premium member of our business yet? If not, you should sign up for paid membership online. We know you don’t wanna do it, but we are going to keep reminding you that you should do it until you actually do. Thanks."

4. "We are currently transferring your call to the next representative. In the mean time, did you know, we won the best business award in 2017? We do our best to run the best business in the world and being best matters the most to us, the best."

5. "Our representative is almost ready to take your call. Just a few more moments while we complete some very, very important internal procedures that we can’t really explain. Thank you for holding."

6. "We’re currently experiencing higher than normal call volumes. But rest assured, you're in the system. Somewhere. You are now a part of something bigger. Please continue to hold."

7. "Did you know, that we only hire one or two telephone operators at a time? We want to make sure you listen to our hold music, cuz we paid a lot of money to license them. Hope you enjoy and thanks."

8. "We’re still here, making sure that you’re waiting. It’s what we do best. Hold on tight and enjoy our pleasant music. Our hold music was scientifically engineered to relax you. If you feel like it’s not, please give it another 10 minutes or so. Thank you for holding."

9. "Fun fact, the hold music you’re hearing right now was handpicked by our CEO during a vision quest in the mountains of Peru. We hope it brings you as much clarity as it brought him. Please continue to hold."

10. "Your call is in the queue, but don't worry—we've recently installed a system that may or may not prioritize your call based on your membership credits. Please hold and we appreciate your patience. In fact, patience is the key to all good things in life."

11. "You’re in line to speak with a representative. But what does it really mean to be 'in line'? Is it a straight path? Or a loop? Either way, we’ll get to you eventually. Please hold."

12. "We’re almost ready to assist you. Almost. ‘almost’ is a strange concept, isn’t it? Always just out of reach. Please continue to hold."

13. "Your call will be answered soon. But what does ‘soon’ really mean? Does anyone ever truly know? For now, just hold. Someone will be with you soon."

14."Did you know, that time is an illusion? Much like our customer service. … “So then.. If you awaken from this illusion, and you understand that black implies white, self implies other, life implies death — or shall I say, death implies life — you can feel yourself not as a stranger in the world, not as something here on probation, not as something that has arrived here by fluke, but you can begin to feel your own existence as absolutely fundamental.”"

Call center training

<CALL CENTER TRAINING: PROPER USE OF TONE OF VOICE & VOLUME>
All pre-recorded operator messages should be recorded following the instruction above.

Outro: Pre-recorded operator message

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