Reading, writing lau

Session 1: what, how and why

Version 1

What:

Release is a short coming of age film focusing on the experiences of a young boy, Bo (18), entering a gay-sauna for the first time. During a time duration of 15/20 minutes we see him transforming from a shy introvert to a more daring person, willing to take risks and chase his own desires. The film is fragmatic and contains multipile visits of Bo to the gay-sauna, covering a total time span of half a year.

In the film Bo learns the do’s and don’ts of cruising in a highly seksual space by simply doing and exploring. On the way he also makes new friends that help him gain more self-confidence.

When he is visiting more often a desire to be reckless and try extremer forms of sex arise. An encounter with two men leads to an unpleasant experience in which there is some miscommunication about each other’s preferences. Bo pushes himself a little bit too far in undergoing certain actions. This is a hard lesson which makes him more mindful about his own boundaries,

By the end of the film he is a full grown adolescent. He has found his place within the community and is ready to further explore his seksuality while also being alert.

How:

The film was possible to make because my graduation film won the Dutch Film Fund Wildcard. This enables young filmmakers to make a new film with a given amount of money. We shot the film in 5 days at a gay-sauna in Arnhem.

The cast consisted mainly of young non-actors that sometimes never appeared in a movie before. This required a special process with lots of rehearsals. During the production an intimacy coordinator was also involved to make sure everybody was feeling safe.

Why:

The idea of making a film that would take place in this kind of arena was already in my mind for quite some time. The images were already there and I even wrote some scenes.

The message behind the story popped up when I had an unpleasant experience myself. This specific situation made me think again about seksuality, the body, consent and the way we interact as queer and gay men in cruising-spaces. I wanted to make a film that celebrated the act of cruising and free seksuality without ignoring the possible dangers that can also be present. In this regard I tried to tell a story that wasn’t judgemental, but honest about transforming situations that can make you a stronger human being in the end.

Version 2:

What:

Release is a short fiction film focusing on the experiences of a young boy, Bo (18), entering a gay-sauna for the first time. The film is shot in an aspect ratio of 1.85:1 and has a duration of 20 minutes. The film contains multipile visits of Bo to the gay-sauna, covering a total time span of half a year.

In the film Bo learns the do’s and don’ts of cruising in a highly seksual space by simply doing and exploring. On the way he also makes new friends that help him gain more self-confidence. We see him transform from a shy introvert to a more daring person, willing to take risks and chase his own desires.

When he is visiting more often a desire to be reckless and try extremer forms of sex arise. An encounter with two men leads to an unpleasant experience in which there is some miscommunication about each other’s preferences. This is a hard lesson which makes him more mindful about his own boundaries. By the end he has found his place within the community and is ready to further explore his seksuality while also being alert.

How:

The film was possible to make because of some funding from the Dutch Film Fund. First I mainly worked with images that were in my head that didn’t have a concrete storyline yet. Together with my producer we created a structure and a character development that would be true to the message that we wanted to convey. Based on this narrative roadmap I started writing the screenplay.

When the screenplay was finished we started casting. It was an intense process in which we used multiple ways of finding people that felt comfortable with being in this kind of film. I met people at parties, contacted them through instagram or invited them for an audition when they replied to our casting call. Eventually the cast consisted mainly of young non-actors that sometimes never appeared in a movie before. This required a special process with lots of rehearsals. During the production an intimacy coordinator was also involved to make sure everybody was feeling safe.

We shot the film in 5 days at a gay-sauna in Arnhem. I worked together with a crew of 20 people including a camera department, director’s assistants and make-up. Apart from them we had a group of extra’s that was mostly around the amount of 15.  

Why:

The idea of making a film that would take place in this kind of arena was already in my mind for quite some time. The images were already there and I even wrote some scenes.

The message behind the story popped up when I had an unpleasant experience myself. This specific situation made me think again about seksuality, the body, consent and the way we interact as queer and gay men in cruising-spaces.

I wanted to make a film that celebrated the act of cruising and free seksuality without ignoring the possible dangers that can also be present. In this regard I tried to tell a story that wasn’t judgemental, but honest about transforming situations that can make you a stronger human being in the end.

Session 2: the interview - 12 oct

The first outcome of the interview:

Halo High how are you good I have started this interview today because I'm curious about what you are making what are you making right now I'm working on a visual essay that is around the focus is on the idea of objectification falling in love with an object that is actually separated from you physically or digitally and the way that the interaction that happens between the Observer for the one who is longing and the object of Desire book happens if these walls switch and what is the interaction going on and how do we present each ourselves when we want to be desired and what do we do when we desire something that is not inreach for us Mary Wilson are you making I think for me I signed today phenomenon Longing To something that is not present like that is not like physically present in front of you but this leg of the race even more seductive to go into it I find that someone very interesting and the way this can be shown in multiple ways because I used the anecdotes of a woman that fits the zoo in Rotterdam lot of times and at its interaction with the big gorillas and then at some point the gorilla I became angry and came out and grabbed her or artifice interesting idea of this interaction between two entities that are maybe a b i find this phenomenon very interesting short us if you look at my Berkshire has been the fascination for these Primal human emotions of sexuality last fantasies I think I find these more intimate parts of the human life very very compelling and it's something I'd like to work with because it interests me a lot and if I look at my love short film I think it was Stephanie tired of these two because they have also been about sexuality great but then how is it different from other things you've done this work will be less less made in conventional way of telling a story that will be more associative to be experimental it will link images and situations together that might seem separate but I try to find a way in between Siesta approach and the more poetic way of telling to create this is very weird images that all center around the same thing which is very different from the five traditional fiction film had made before this very curious you know but the thing is I have more questions so I want to know what is the most significant choices you've made recently I think for me it's a very significant Choice was challenging myself to break away from everything I did before so I rewrote in this conventional fiction way of telling in which to was also room to experiment with actually since attending this application program I'm reading trying to let go of everything that I used to take for granted and live by myself still with the tools official icing eyes find approachable banana that's steals renewing and feels also closer to the person I am today so I think for me that's also why I am not going to make a sweet short films 4 minutes with two actors because I would really really not challenged myself in any way 3D so hard to tell in it

Version 2:

'To Be A Mermaid like You' is a visual essay that focuses on the idea of objectification and projecting our desires on somebody or something that is (or seems) by default unreachable. What happens when we desire somebody/something that is actually separated from you physically or digitally? I'm interested in the way observer and the object of desire interact and what happens when these roles switch. How do we present ourselves when we want to be desired ourselves? And how do we deal with desire when there is a certain 'wall' between the one who desires and the desired? This can be an actual wall, personal circumstances, different interests or the online vs offline circumstances. As a starting point for this essay I use the anecdote of a woman that visited the zoo in Rotterdam regularly. Here she has a lot of interaction with one of the biggest gorillas, Bokito. At some point the gorilla became angry, decided to climb out of his cage and grabbed her.

I find these more intimate parts of the human life very compelling and it's something I'd like to work with. Also when I look back at my earlier portfolio I see these primal urges of us human beings has been a primal focus for the themes I investigate. I think I really like this this idea of ​​wanting something that you can't necessarily get right away. Apart from this, it is also very much about visibility. On which points do you make yourself visible for the other to be desired?

This work won't be realized in a conventional way of storytelling that I'm already familiair with. This will be a more associative exploration that will link images and situations together that might seem separate, but have a similarity I want to link. I try to find a way between an essayistic, documentary approach and a more poetic tone of voice to combine this is very weird images that all center around the same thing. This way of working is very different from the traditional fiction films I made before.

In a sense I try to break away from everything I did before, give myself space to experiment and discover new paths in my visual language. I come from this conventional filmindustry in which one simply works from a kind of grid a kind of structure. For me I think the biggest choice so far is to question that structure on all points Since attending this application program I'm trying to let go of everything that I used to take for granted. I try to recreate new things, starting from the tools and skills I'm familiar with, but renewing the form and outcome.

Session 3: Scratches

Scratches

Experimental Writing Workshop 'Smoke and mirrors' - 3-nov:

about to be reborn.

about to be new and old.

about trauma

about feeling in motion

about one word after another

about glitter on our faces in sunny landscapes

about cold nights after hot summers

about spaces full of questions

about spirituality

about abstract and concrete

about healing

Relating to my work has been quite difficult for me the past couple of months. I see everything I made before in the light of a person I'm no longer. I decided to change my gender-identity and name. I decided to break with everything that I used to take for granted. The way I learned to create images, the traditions and mindset that formed me, the industry I tried to be part of, the life that was given to me and the habits that have occured. But in doing so I have to reframe everything I do want to keep.

I am a filmmaker. And I’m not? A fiction director. And I’m not? A performer. And I’m not? A poet? An artist? I don’t see myself as contemporary. I also don’t see myself as commercial. What stamp can I find that defines all the interests and the things that serve me in my practice? I hate the binary so I don't feel like I should even find a single title myself, but it still seems necessary and useful somehow. I feel I’m a reborn infant but only with a name. Just three letters.

I feel like I'm starting to learn to walk again. But I want to walk a different path compared to my bachelor. Being here on PZI has made me realize what I left behind when making certain choices during my life. I don’t know if I would have done it differently now, I only know that I will redefine myself from the days that follow. I don’t want to forget the old. I’d rather re-invent the old and add the new awesome influences that capture today.

So what is it that defines me?

I feel a deep connection to expressionism. Deep, raw, but also theatrical work. Work that switches perception, but doesn’t become too literal or rational. I work from feelings that I try to uncover and visualize in a way an audience becomes part of the experience. I want the audience to question, not to know. I want the spectator to project themselves, not just seeing somebody else. I want to find the common gemstone in healing and refinding. I want to tell the truth in the most subjective way possible. I’m a cameleon. Using the medium that serves me in the moment. Not trying to excel, but tell and be honest. That’s my job. That is the assignment spiritual forces beyond me whisper in my ear subconsciously every single day.

Session 5: Annotation

LauAnnotation

This is a scene from the short film 'RELEASE'. In the scene the protagonist, Bo, enters a very stuffed sauna where a pouring is about to start. While the infusion starts, the space gets hotter and hotter by a worker who's wafting the hot air with a towel. Bo is trying to endure the happening, battling the heat, having 15 naked men around him puffing and doing the same.

I made this scene quite intuitively, comparing to some of the other parts in the film that were constructed in a certain order of shots and actions. In this scene I improvised more, letting my DOP slide through this crowd of sweaty men. We used a glass in front of the lens to make blurry, steamy atmosphere.We took long takes in which I gave instructions to the extra's and the actor. We filmed this scene in an actual sauna. I was afraid first it would look too much 'staged'. But because of the lamps and the hot summer day the space was quite warm during filming, which was perfect. We used glass in front of the camera's to create an image that was more blurry and steamy. Also the make-up department had a special kind of spray that produced the illusion of sweat (which we sometimes didn't even need). The light was connected to the idea of heat and fire.

All the actors in this scene are non-actors. We had an intimacy coordinator to make sure everybody felt comfortable in being filmed (partly) naked. The extra's in the scene have en found through similar tactics. Some of them are friends of mine. Some responded to an online add. The one who is doing the infusion actually works at the place where we were filming. I asked him on the day if he wants to do a small part.

In the editing I decided to fade the footage into each other to give it more a ritual, psychedelic effect. All these choices in esthetics are made in an attempt to make the audience feel a bit overheated themselves.

This scene is introducing the concept of adapting to an established ritual. The main-characters comes in and doesn't know what he got himself exactly into. But his longing to understand and be part of a subculture pushes him to remain seated, even though he actually can't stand the heath. How much do you push yourself to go along and when do you set boundaries? The element in this scene is fire. This scene is about this, about trying to get through something and fighting the flames.

Before this the protagonist enters the gay-sauna for the first time in the opening of the film. After this he will continue his journey through the complex.

If I could change one thing in this scene it's the lack of diversity in the extra's. It's now just a bunch of white men. The problem was always that we had a limited amount of people that applied to be in this film and they have been quite similar in their apeareance. But on the other hand it does show the kind of people that actually come to this place since many of the extra's were regular visitors.

The limit of this piece is that it is a film. It's cinema. Cinema has endless possibilities, but the limit itself is that it is cinema. It is made to be displayed at a screen. It is not something you can step into half way through as it is a piece that has a a beginning and end

Text on Practice:

LauText

Project that may not or the made:

Back to Ever

What will it be? (Three sentences max)

A series of still and moving images surrounding generational trauma, healing the inner child and revisiting the past. I will use this theme as a starting point for different outcomes of expression. This can be in the form of written text, paintings, a performance, a fiction script a visual essay and/or an installation.

Why

Generational trauma has been a big part of my own psychological development and is a recognizable theme for many around us.

Workflow

For my eye-film I used some of my personal archive in telling an associative story. I want to work with this material again in exploring a theme that has interested me for a long time. Looking through 10 hours of footage shot by my father since I was born until I was five years old will be the starting point of the process.

Timetable