User:Lor.ensō: Difference between revisions

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== /XPUB2 ==




 
Now what do I need to do
XPUB2 --- 
 
DIARY - RANT SPACE 
 
RANT ABOUT OPENSOURCE SYNC AND PLAYSTORE 
 
I just want to link obsidian via syncthing and I just can´t get it to work and it is really not helping me in production 
 
RANT ABOUT BEING STUCK 
 
I have 1000 thoughts at the same time 
 
=== '''''PMOMM GRADUATION PROTOTYPING WHAT DO I DELIVER'''''  AND WHY AM I AGAIN IN MASS CONFUSION ABOUT WHAT WHO WHERE HUH ===
 
 
'''''I go to bed early, wake up early, I go to seminars, I try to read but it is just the movement again of'''''
<code>E X E C U T I V E  D Y S F U N C T I O N</code>
 
beep boop brain not participating .../ am not functioning. Can't seem to focus, find a point to start but just crashing a bit. [Grief] It has already been almost a year and my head is just not there. I just want to be healthily productive but that is impossible if I force start myself into doing this. But I als W A N T to be productive and AaAaAaA [/Grief]  {crash report: I need to calm down}
 
 
Now what do I need to do  


- GRS
- GRS


<s>Make a pmomm page and link it to the wiki</s>
- <s>Read and finish Femke Sneltings tex</s>t, contextualize it to Renderdam and mention conflux, traces of power and contemplate / reflect on city rendering.  
 
<s>Write 3 pmomms and make some early prototypes or 3 prototypes ooof where is the T H I R D</s>  
 
<s>Meet with Alessia to make decisions and make some rapido deciones</s>
 
- Read and finish Femke Sneltings text, contextualize it to Renderdam and mention conflux, traces of power and contemplate / reflect on city rendering.  


read next text  
read next text


<s>- Read the email of Constant and reply</s>  
<s>- Read the email of Constant and reply</s>  
Line 41: Line 14:
<s>- Don't forget to stay sane and be kind to yourself</s>         
<s>- Don't forget to stay sane and be kind to yourself</s>         
   
   
<small>- OH AND CLEAN UP THIS WIKIMESS HAHA</small> '''''<sup>MAYBE LATER HEHEHEH</sup>'''''
<small>- <s>OH AND CLEAN UP THIS WIKIMESS HAHA</s></small> <s>'''''<sup>MAYBE LATER HEHEHEH</sup>'''''</s>
 
 
 
 
 
[[Renderdam|RENDERDAM]]_[YEAR].FORMAT
 
= '''''<code>PROTOTYPING</code>''''' =
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
[[/ReaderThatMayOrMayNot(Be)Read]]
 
 
 
[[User:Lor.ensō/XPUB1|XPUB1]] ---  --- 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
[[Lorenzo's Projects that May/Mayn't|Projects that May/Mayn't]]






== /GRADUATION RESEARCH SEMINAR ==


<code> <pre>
* [[User:Lor.ensō/Lorenzo's Projects that May/Mayn't|PMoMMs: <progress is found here, but order was never an option>]]
Reader:  
* [[Renderdam|Rapid Prototypes: <Renderdam> /]] [[Spiritual media psychosis|Obsessive Catalogue of Madness:Spiritual Media Psychosis]] B2BALESSIA
 
* [[Lor.ensō/projectproposal|Draft project proposal]]
   - Eigen Welzijn Eerst - Roxane van Iperen
* [[Lorenzoquintthesisoutline|Thesis outline]]
 
 
 
   - Synopsis
An Ourobouros: the snake biting it's own tail. == the circle that the writer intended to go through:
1. Equality as a starting point
2. The rise of Nativism in NL == the ideas of a first class and second class citizen  (the end of equality)
3. The fear of falling (meaning the middle class being afraid of falling back to a / the lower class, being pressure with the future perspective of an offspring not being able to enjoy the privileges of their parents)
4. The Closed Circle of the middle class  (The Country Club Mentality, so creating your own little clubs to gain exclusivity)
5. Wellness-Right (The radicalization of the group within the middle class)
 
this 5-step program plays with of the ourobouros, the snake biting its own tail in the sense of progress.
idea 'we have reached emancipation, we can now claim our superiority'
 


==  [[/ReaderThatMayOrMayNot(Be)Read]] ==
Currently reading


== [[/XPUB1]] ==
dir.../Lor.ensō/[[User:Lor.ensō/XPUB1|XPUB1]]/
   
   
Paraphrased from the website: https://www.roxanevaniperen.nl/eigenelzijn-eerst
<blockquote>
Nederland heeft lang een zelfbeeld van openheid en tolerantie gehad. Dat beeld kwam voort uit het naoorlogse optimisme van de middenklasse, die geloofde in kansengelijkheid, ongeacht afkomst of achternaam, en het belang van goede publieke voorzieningen. Zo zou elke nieuwe generatie het beter krijgen dan de vorige.
Het geloof in vooruitgang is de afgelopen jaren afgebrokkeld en heeft onder invloed van de politiek plaatsgemaakt voor een sterke hang naar zelfbehoud, met extreme sentimenten tot gevolg. In Eigen welzijn eerst laat Roxane van Iperen op prikkelende wijze zien hoe dit heeft kunnen gebeuren, en spreekt ze de hoop uit dat de middenklasse opnieuw de vooruitgangsgedachte omarmt.
Rond het verschijnen van Eigen welzijn eerst op 10 mei gaf Roxane interviews aan De Telegraaf en Het Financieele Dagblad en sprak ze met Leon Verdonschot voor Linda: lees het hier. Ook schoof ze aan bij de Zelfspodcast en de talkshow Khalid & Sophie. Het essay werd gepresenteerd in De Rode Hoed en stond vier maanden in de Bestseller60, waar het de 2e plaats bereikte.
‘Een messcherp pamflet en een klassiek essay brengen het hedendaagse egoïsme in kaart… In Eigen welzijn eerst zet schrijfster Roxane van Iperen zeer effectief de kettingzaag in het gedrag van yogamoeders en andere spirituele kruidenheksen die Facebook en omstreken opstoken met deskundologische wijsheden over opvoeding of huidverzorging. Wat we denken te zien is een sociale media-gezondheidsbeweging, met mooie foto’s van moeders met kinderen aan de borst en tegeltjeswijsheden over nachtrust. Wat we moeten zien is ‘wellness-rechts’, een agressieve marketingmachine die extreem-rechts gedachtengoed normaliseert. Men schakelt in die contreien nu in één moeite van anti-vaccinatie naar pro-Poetin. Tussen ‘eigen lijf eerst’ en ‘eigen volk eerst’ zit weinig licht.’ 
**** Menno Hurenkamp, NRC Handelsblad
‘Dat is wat mij betreft het belangrijkste inzicht uit het boek: laat de vooroordelen los, en probeer je voor te stellen hoe het kómt dat een groep mensen bang is en zich zorgen maakt. Dat hoeft niet te betekenen dat je dan ook alles wat die groep zegt en doet goedpraat, maar het betekent wél dat je probeert te achterhalen wat er achter die uitspraken schuilgaat. Dan pas kun je de voedingsbodem voor die angst aanpakken.’
/  Dilara Bilgic, De Correspondent
</blockquote>
   - Why is this text important to my research/work
It deals with normality and the rise of neoliberalism. The mechanism of what we define as 'wellness' and 'normal' and 'fit'.
I wanted this book for the idea of Wellness Right-critique. It speaks about the classes towards health being something you are in charge of. Which is an unfair statement to people with disabilities / illness. My graduation project was a work about the wellness, spirituality industry. Another big source was the Conspirituality podcast.
   - Annotations and notes
   --> format: up to you (transclusion optional!)
   
   - Pick 2 or 3 references (they are not fixed or set in stone, don't spend too much time picking the best references)
   - Write a synopsis (even if you haven't read it
   - Why this is important to you
This essay is a historical / political / socially / critically accurate book. It shows the dangers of nostalgic elements in political populist beliefs "Before THEY came it was BETTER", it shows how the most progressive 'looking' people having conservative values: "Father with beard and tattoos and modern fashion and mother with purple long hair and a nose piercing and a hippie dress maintaining conservative thoughts like not vaccinating their kids because of political biases".
   - If you're drawing blanks/not sure about a reference, browse the bootleg library
bibliography
Reader:
   - Collection of texts/works (in whichever way you would like to include it (section/whole text/...), How is the original present in the reader?)
Ten Theses on Life Hacks - Former XPUB1
"Life Hacks in general aren’t taken too seriously. The ten theses
in this document are meant to provide a widened perspective on
Life Hacks, and on their relationship to our collective experiences
and reflections. The criteria listed in first thesis allow us to test
whether something is a Life Hack or not. The remaining theses
present extended arguments, supported by examples, that
identify specific features of Life Hacks, the environments they
exist within, and the kind of culture they foster.
This publication’s format incorporates the Life Hack ethos. With
the addition of a series of holes, each loose page can be seen as
a hackable surface. We invite you to collate and bind them,
making an eclectic choice from a range of unorthodox materials." Copy of p1.
   - Synopsis
It seems that this text is looking at worthless and very meme-able lifehacks that could make your life easier but 9/10 times don't really do that.
   - Why is this text important to my research/work
Selling the interaction 'doing nothing' as a life changing product is shit. (I wanted to say is just something I would really disagree with, but then my fingers wrote shit and that was a better tl;dr definition.)
I speculate that these theseseses have an echo chambery effect on me but I might just read a lot of their sources. 
   - Annotations and notes
   --> format: up to you (transclusion optional!)
   
   - Pick 2 or 3 references (they are not fixed or set in stone, don't spend too much time picking the best references)
   - Write a synopsis (even if you haven't read it yet)
   - Why this is important to you
   
   - If you're drawing blanks/not sure about a reference, browse the bootleg library
[[File:You may not have a purpose when you do nothing.jpg|thumb]]
https://www.roxanevaniperen.nl/eigen-welzijn-eerst
</pre> </code> 
[[File:How to seem like you know what you are doing.jpg|center|thumb]]
[[File:Do Nothing.jpg|left|thumb]]
== <code>MIKROKONTROLLER ==
convo w/ arduino <pre>
Hello World
World
Hello World
Hello World
Hello World
�����䤅����
�������������get that coffeeeeeee
get that coffeeeeeee
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���ט�ݛ���㌏�ט֐�H�get that coffeeeeeee
�א���ی��㌏��ݚݛ��ݚݛ���۝�get that coffeeeeeee
������ݟ���۝�ݚ������������ۘ���get that coffeeeeeee
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��ݟH���ݛ����������ݟ��������֝���������ݟ��������阋���������ݟ�����ۜ����֌��挏��������get that coffeeeeeee
get that coffeeeeeee
�����錏��������ݚ�������ݟ�ݛ������ݟ������L����H���ی�������ی�ۜ���get that coffeeeeeee
������M,��]N�[��L�����5�d����������@����`�����6y��6y��6Y��M,������you know what, make it 2
</pre>
</code>
LDR NOIZE
int ldr = A0;
void setup() {
Serial.begin(115200); // USB
pinMode(ldr, INPUT); // LDR == input
}
void loop() {
int value = analogRead(A0);
Serial.println(value);
delay(100);
}
LED X 1
int ledPin = 12;               //the int ledPin is 12
void setup() {
pinMode(ledPin,OUTPUT);      //ledPin is a OUTPUT
}
void loop() {
  digitalWrite(ledPin,HIGH);   //turns pin 12 on
  delay(500);                  //stops the loop for 500 milliseconds
  digitalWrite(ledPin,LOW);    //turns pin 12 off
  delay(500);                  //stops the loop for 500 milliseconds
}
LED X 2
<br />int RedLedPin = 8;                 //the int RedLedPin is 13
int GreenLedPin = 12;               //the int GreenLedPin is 12
void setup() {
   
   
  pinMode(RedLedPin,OUTPUT);        //ledPin is a OUTPUT
  /* Here lie the tombs and ruins of my works and processes of my XPUB1 year divided by three trimesters
pinMode(GreenLedPin,OUTPUT);      //ledPin is a OUTPUT
}
   
   
  void loop() {
  XPUB1 SI22 - SI23 - SI24
digitalWrite(GreenLedPin,HIGH);   //turns green led  on
delay(5000);                      //stops the loop for 5000 milliseconds
for(int i = 0; i < 5; i++){       //this for loop gets 5 times repeated
digitalWrite(GreenLedPin,LOW);  //turns green led off
delay(500);                     //stops the loop for 500 milliseconds
digitalWrite(GreenLedPin,HIGH); //turns green led off
delay(500);                     //stops the loop for 500 milliseconds
}
   
   
  digitalWrite(GreenLedPin,LOW);    //turns green led off
  */  
digitalWrite(RedLedPin,HIGH);     //turns red led on
delay(5000);                      //stops the loop for 5000 milliseconds
digitalWrite(RedLedPin,LOW);      //turns red led on
}


<br />
== /RANTS THOUGHTS WORRIES AND OTHER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'S ==


<code>LDR NOIZE<pre>


int ldr = A0;
=== '''''PMOMM GRADUATION PROTOTYPING WHAT DO I DELIVER'''''  AND WHY AM I AGAIN IN MASS CONFUSION ABOUT WHAT WHO WHERE HUH ===
int pinTone = 11;




void setup() {
'''''I go to bed early, wake up early, I go to seminars, I try to read but it is just the movement again of'''''
Serial.begin(115200); // USB
<code>E X E C U T I V E  D Y S F U N C T I O N</code>
pinMode(ldr, INPUT); // LDR == input
}


void loop() {
  beep boop brain not participating .../ am not functioning. Can't seem to focus, find a point to start but just crashing a bit. [Grief] It has already been almost a year and my head is just not there. I just want to be healthily productive but that is impossible if I force start myself into doing this. But I als W A N T to be productive and AaAaAaA [/Grief] {crash report: I need to calm down}
int value = analogRead(A0);
tone (pinTone, value*0.2);
Serial.println(value);
delay(100);
}
 
</pre></code>
 
NOIZE POTENTIOMETER
  int poti = A0;
void setup() {
Serial.begin(115200); // USB
pinMode(poti, INPUT); // LDR == input
}
void loop() {
int value = analogRead(poti);
tone (10, value*0.5);
Serial.println(value);
delay(10);
}
 
 
 
<code><pre>
 
int BUTTON = A0;
int speaker = 10;
 
 
void setup() {
  Serial.begin(115200); // USB
  pinMode(BUTTON, INPUT); // LDR == input
}
 
void loop() {
  bool value = digitalRead(BUTTON);
  if (value){
    Serial.println ("ALARMSTART");
    for(int peter = 0; peter < 5; peter++){
      for(int frequency = 500; frequency<1200; frequency++){
      tone(speaker, frequency);
    delay(0.5);
    }
    noTone(speaker);
    delay(1);
    }
  Serial.print ("ALARM END");
  }
else{
  Serial.println ("DEPRESSED");
  noTone (speaker);
}
}
//tone (10, value*0.5);
//Serial.println(value);
//delay(10);
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
</pre></code>
 
 
 
 
<code><big>H e l l o and well come to the.......................................................................</big></code>
 
== 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 ==
                  <big>== '''Assesmental Presentental Wikipageroo aka Lorenzo Quint's''' ==</big>
 
= ''*airhorn sounds* == '''BEST OF XPUB1 TRIMESTER 1 & 2 = Protocolastic Quiltessential Boogaloo''' == *that windows celebrational noise.mp3*'' =
 
== 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 ==
BEFORE WE START I WOULD LIKE TO say that this is a type of presentation format I'm just playing with. Everything is in one place on this page. I will scroll back and forth, I will reflect and whilst making this I'm overthinking about this being the right way, but there is no right way. Anyway let's get on with the show->>>>>
 
 
<big>This is the page you will be watching whilst experiencing the process I went through. It will be a bit on the linear chronological side. As an old wise cliché once said whilst gazing to the inevitable sunburn:</big>
 
<image of a mountain.jpeg> <some wacky pseudoscientific font.otf>
 
<big>''You need to look backwards in order to look forwards. (Or if you want to use a cheat code up up down down left right left right B BA RT LT left X O spacebar spacebar spacebar epic backspace)''</big> 
 
 
 
so before we ask ourselves: [[How did we get here?]] / Transport / /DOOR/PORT.html
 
I'm first going to talk about the first trimester.
 
==REFLECTION # EXPERIMENTAL PROCESSING OF INFORMATION. WORDHOLE/BLACKHOLE==
 
 
I have to admit, I kinda didn't knew what XPUB was gonna be like.  I recently graduated from KABK / IMD. A different institution and a different course. I knew that another IMD alumni parttook in XPUB. So this first trimester was a bit of a fresh new start for my practice. 'kind of' stepping away from what shaped my graduation project ''Happytalism'' which revolves around the idea of wellness / new age and spirituality industries to be open for business, making more money than big pharma and being a safe haven for charlatans, disinformation weaponizing pseudo health claims.
 
I stepped into this fresh new environment with new people and overall a to me new programme. And right after the first weeks of XPUB my life turned around and I needed to reconfigure everything for myself (as I am still kind of doing of course) During the first trimester it was a bit difficult to me to kind of 'find a way' to get back on track. I wanted to deliver something productive.  The changes in my life of course had an immediate effect on my way of thinking. 
 
We were talking about the ideas of what it means to keep an archive and what protocols there should be made.
 
My counterthought was about Protocols for passive hoarding.
 
As an idea of "we might need this later".
 
   The questions that I / We raised were  'do we really need to preserve everything? What do we take with us?'
 
From this point, Senka and I started talking about the questions that were raised about to think about ideas protocols for active archiving. I read that personally as if we were responsible for the maintenance of the Radio Worm's archive. Instead, we made a work that asks for reflection.
 
With both having made some critical essays / poems, we decided to make a video work because we wanted to visualize the amount of archives. No sound, just video. In these videos, we portray the radio worm from the apocalyptic narrative of SIGNAL LOST: ARCHIVE UNZIPPED.
 
Where Senka shows the vessel of the radio station, I show the amount of data and sounds and players and information that actually go 'live'.
 
 
 
Struggle This was something I was thinking about, concerning the fact I was just *there.*
 
To be honest, I had some imposter syndrome,  experiencing whilst being around.
 
 
The idea of the wordhole or actually the first trimester struck to me as a black hole
 
 
''Once inside the black hole's event horizon, '''matter will be torn apart into its smallest subatomic components and eventually be squeezed into the singularity'''. As the singularity accumulates more and more matter, the size of the black hole's event horizon increases proportionally.''
 
https://www.uu.edu/dept/physics/scienceguys/2001Aug.cfm
 
 
I felt that the matter of xpub/si22 etc was floating around me and I was there like some intergalactic fly on a meteorite.  Just being there.  Trying to make the best of it with the understanding of things.
 
 
If I would think of a 'better scenario', I'd say I'd go more around the PZI /Wdka and join things. But back then my life was pure chaos and I made the decision to do my best and also taking step back in order to be a fly on the wall since I wasn't fully able to work on the SI22.  Keeping the condition in mind that I would do more in the second trimester. It was hard to get back though.
 
 
Looking back I didn't really experiment with i.e. printing / terminal related things but more on the ideas of publication and mostly thinking about alternatives
 
 
However I was proud of myself of starting the narrative in the radio show as our improv ideas started.  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
==[[Quilt INC]]  / METHODOLOGY==
 
Methods remark:
==Method(ol(atry)ogy) is a way of surviving experience==
{{:Quilt INC./Method(ol(atry)ogy) is a way of surviving experience|Method(ol(atry)ogy) is a way of surviving experience}}
 
 
 
 
 
 
==REFLECTION # trimester 2 SI23==
----
The second trimester was nice to start. With the winter break behind me, I could really just start up again without the constant feeling of running a treadmill version of imagining Sisyphus happy.  During this trimester it was quite interesting to dive deeper in the ideas of servers and datacenters.
 
My focus came back and I attended more events, I still felt a bit alienated but felt the xpubbery of things going into my bloodstream as I finally put up my little desk next to the door.
 
If I'd be very critical to myself, I would say that I would have liked to have more energy next to the things happenings during the XPUB days. Life was just exhausting but it got better on a week per week basis. I done the tasks I needed to do but at the same time my body and mind just claimed for me to touch grass, go outside, do other things because the per week load was sometimes a bit too much to grasp. In the end it streamlined to some more coherent (as I used my /port to but all the meanings and projects in 1 page with the perspective of the SI23 and also with the wonderful pre-tag.
 
Not to be smashing my work to the ground I also am very happy that the group project with Mania and Victor was this nice. Our forces combined made this amazing metaphysical paper-to-web-and-back-again work
 
I wanted to dive into Python, ImageMagick and in the end I was doing something completely: going back to my HTML / CSS experience and instead of working with the things I already  (but ofcourse implementing then) I started just playing from the perspective of Seamfulness. I had a talk once with a fellow Unity-maker and we shared memes based on the fact that it does not matter if the code isn´t working properly and filled with my glitches and error, as long as it does what it needs to do. And that's how I approached the /port. I wanted to make it this raw interpretation of the terminal but then making it more welcoming and a space where information is exchanged with the limited access and the visitor is being presented with not only as huuuuge glossary but also context and the input to continue to the other project. It was my intent to show the seams but not literally linking all the things together. Because my first plan was to use the window (based on Alice's window mapping) to put all the words in the window frame as the 'port' to the space, using cables and jacks and such to 'make the connection'. Also for the sense of making something with for me experimental printing on transparent paper, but as I reflected on this idea. I changed from the window frame to the screen, since the visitor might not even know that there were connections and that might have given it an accessible touch. 
 
My research was based on the understandings of methodology in general as discussed in and about Susan Leigh Star's piece.
The ideas of using more ways to look at things finally struck to me and I felt inspired by frustration that I as a carer/family member/former user of social transportation.  Both the A to B-U turning and also the trevvel story are very interesting to me because the amount of interactions, requests, errors and bureaucratic features from the both social code to the actual code of systems seem very intriguing to dive deeper in for a Thesis and Graduation Project. Accessibility and Disability from the privatized perspective from both bureaucratic as well as technologically governed institutions. While I am writing this, I'm also thinking "can't we do something lighter or different?" and I like to listen to that train of thought. An idea of publishing this would be to show and relate to making these difficult and unneededly overcomplicated made processes and making these more tangible and understandable.  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
As an entertainment element related to the issue, I started watching Silicon Valley again. A series that gets an extra layer with the readings we have done.
 
 
 
 
Mania and I were sharing our findings on the street.
 
<gallery>
File:Glass fiber meets cloud infrastructure.jpg
File:Contrast box 2 .jpg
File:Contrast electric box.jpg
File:Another colossal electricity cabinet .jpg
File:Smol fibre.jpg
File:WhatsApp Image 2024-03-25 at 09.15.11 d9efd6dc.jpg
File:Sprouts .jpg
File:Perfect garden .jpg
</gallery>
 
We intended to make a paper / glass / transparent type of essay with her and my imagery* and looking at these 'infranatural' 




*I only included my images in this part.




Latest revision as of 15:09, 10 October 2024

/XPUB2

Now what do I need to do

- GRS

- Read and finish Femke Sneltings text, contextualize it to Renderdam and mention conflux, traces of power and contemplate / reflect on city rendering.

read next text

- Read the email of Constant and reply

- Don't forget to stay sane and be kind to yourself

- OH AND CLEAN UP THIS WIKIMESS HAHA MAYBE LATER HEHEHEH


/GRADUATION RESEARCH SEMINAR

/ReaderThatMayOrMayNot(Be)Read

Currently reading

/XPUB1

dir.../Lor.ensō/XPUB1/ 


/* Here lie the tombs and ruins of my works and processes of my XPUB1 year divided by three trimesters

XPUB1 SI22 - SI23 - SI24 

*/

/RANTS THOUGHTS WORRIES AND OTHER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'S

PMOMM GRADUATION PROTOTYPING WHAT DO I DELIVER AND WHY AM I AGAIN IN MASS CONFUSION ABOUT WHAT WHO WHERE HUH

I go to bed early, wake up early, I go to seminars, I try to read but it is just the movement again of 

E X E C U T I V E  D Y S F U N C T I O N 

beep boop brain not participating .../ am not functioning. Can't seem to focus, find a point to start but just crashing a bit. [Grief] It has already been almost a year and my head is just not there. I just want to be healthily productive but that is impossible if I force start myself into doing this. But I als W A N T to be productive and AaAaAaA [/Grief]  {crash report: I need to calm down}




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