User talk:SMB

It's a real shame you didn't make many of the GRS sessions. The text rambles and does not get to the point. I've suggested some edits below which stream line it as best I can. This can guide our meeting tmrw.

• [TITLE?] Cave Play

• INTRODUCTION

[Cut this]

WHAT I WANT TO MAKE [ I suggest edits below. The submitted version lacked focus>>]

Cave Play  is a short fiction film, 22 minutes.

The idea for the film sprang from the idea of L’appel du vide (The Call of The Void).

In CAVE PLAY we follow Hamara, a middle-aged director’s assistant that has just broken up from her relationship. During a jog she is drawn to a cave. The darkness is impenetrable. Throughout the film we see here synthesising with her desire to disappear into the cave. While this is happening she strikes up a friendship with the leading lady from the ensemble she works with, named Francys. [<<is Francys in the cave?] Where Hamara is always the audience member, Francys takes up all the limelight.[how?] Throughout the film they will eventually shift roles until Hamara will finally experience the sensation of being actually seen, before disappearing forever. [<<tmrw you can explain this in simpler terms]

The film deals with l’appel du vide, as Hamara acts on this irrational or idiosyncratic idea that has taken hold of her. Questions surrounding the agency of desire, and the freedom to do things that are destructive are thrown around, just as the notion of the gaze.[ So you say, but how is that shown in the proposed film?] What does it mean to be seen? It’s important that the actresses in the film are women, as I often find the portrayal of women to be too moralistic and I find great pleasure in seeing women choosing their own truth, regardless of how that might affect others.[<< this actually comes across as moralistic and a bit mansplaneish]

RELATION TO A LARGER CONTEXT

In my projects I often find inspiration in desires or thoughts people usually don't feel comfortable to address publicly. I find this a helpful rule of thumb while writing and developing ideas. [1)how does your proposal address that?]

I also take inspiration from a wide array of media and people such as Michael Haneke, Lars von Trier, Camille Paglia, Jordan Wolfson, Chris Burden, Maggie Nelson, Dennis Cooper, Taeko Kono and many others. (for more information see annotated bibliography)'[But how does your bibliography provide extra information?]

[this is from the intro>>] The stories I find myself drawn to are those that lay bare the destruction and renewal that freedom and desire can cause. Through my projects I discovered a gravitational pull to stories surrounding people that are in a process of synthesis with themselves. They are in one way or another dealing with their (idiosyncratic) desires and learn that not wanting the ‘right’ thing might be alright too. I recently read an inspiring collection of short stories written by the Japanese post-war writer Taeko Kono named Toddler-hunting & Other Stories. The female protagonists in these stories experience desires so strong, that it topples their lives and their carefully curated and constructed circumstances. The protagonists are driven to see what will happen if they pursue their desire to its end, and take themselves into this new uncharted territory; a new reality of their creation. What's more, this new reality, despite seeming radical and jarring, also feels more true then their previous lived-in reality. That previous reality, so easily destroyed or left, only enhances the potential of their new radically chosen life. Growing up as gay kid, I can imagine similar frequencies were experienced. Hidden desires, deemed to be unwanted, yet knowing on a personal and spiritual level that there is no other way than to chase what you feel, even if others disapprove.

Equipped with this knowledge, and the overall experience I have gained in filmmaking over the last 1.5 years I intend to finish my short film Cave Play for my graduation project.

WHAT IS YOUR TIMETABLE

[Your timetable lacks specific actions taken on specific dates; not really sure of the outcome (film? Script?). Needs to be broken down in stages, clearly and consequentially ordered].

Until I know if we are able to shoot the film (depending on the funding I might get) I will focus on continuing developing the script. I will do this in tandem with shortlisting and location-scouting. [So, it may not happen?]

After we have the go -- I shall focus on directing-preparations and more talks with the team as we’re kicking it in to high gear. [<<That is jargon to this reader and conveys very little sense.]

I intend to shoot between the end of February and the beginning of April.

Afterwards I need a month or two to work on the post production. I could have everything done by the end of June.

[a lot is hanging o 'could' here (funding, everything running without hitches &c). Not convinced this is viable. You say you will shoot and you will edit. Too open to contingency and not specific about outcomes. You may get some push-back on this.]

• The bibliography is so big as to be meaningless. Pick five (at most) texts that relate directly to your proposal.

• There are no visual guides of prototypes, works in progress that support this proposal. Seems a bit half baked and theoretical to this reader. But there is material to be improved on :-)