User:Aitantv/Non Violent Comms

Lesson 02: Method for Fulfilling My Needs

1. Observation
2. Feeling
3. Need
4. Request

Is this a handy way to manipulate people? Could this simple methodology be highly inflammatory? Could it spark a culture clash?

One participant in the workshop raised a real life scenario in which we could begin to use this system. The need was not met. How does it feel when this system fails? Also, there appears, in this iinitiatory phase of the class, to be an ambivalence towards a more practical pedagogy. Rather than learning by doing/living there seems to be a lot of sitting around chatting about big ideas without getting into the theoretical or practical flesh of the matter. The stakes are high but it seems like we prefer to solopsistically scratch the surface. A one-size-fits-all policy, where the weakest is catered too. Would it not be more formative and provocative (dare it inspiring) to raise the bar and encourage us to aim high?

On the other hand, people seem somewhat relieved and empowered by these simple techniques. It is opening the possibility of dialogue. I'm aware that I'm at once staunchly critical and a sarcastic parasite. I do care about people and want good things for humanity. A layer of cynicism (or realism?) makes me think attempts at correcting humanity's ills are futile. Hence the level of irony in the videos I've made to date. But what would my work look like without irony?

I have the feeling sincere art making is a more sustainable practice, but does the outcome have the strength of longevity? Maybe the challenge is to make something of critical value without relying on sarcasm/irony (which is an easy way out). So too, in dialogue, it's so much harder to have sincere conversations, where people are actually listened too. I still find myself feeling that all of this babble is a waste of time. Thirsty to produce.

Lesson 03: Reflecting on Conflict

Recall a time recently when you had a conflict or were angry with someone you care about (outside of PZI). Try to choose an example that you can remember clearly and are happy to reflect on without too much distress. Using pen & paper, write down:

PART 1: OBSERVING

A. OBSERVATION What observable behaviour did the other person do which triggered your anger? Try to describe it using purely observation, without assumptions or judgements.

B. MEANING What meaning did you assume this behaviour had, which caused your anger? This includes all your interpretations and judgements.

C. FEELINGS What did you FEEL as a result of your interpretation? A feeling is a single word, eg "angry", "happy", "disgusted" - it doesn't contain intellecutual analysis.

D. NEEDS What unmet NEED/s did you have underlying that feeling? For example, "to be loved", "to be understood", "to feel equal" etc.

PART 2: EMPATHY

E. FEELINGS What do you think the other person might have been feeling?

F. NEEDS What unmet need/s do you think the other person was trying to meet?

PART 3: EXPRESSING

What would you like to ask from the person? e.g. "I'd appreciate it if you would give me the plate when I ask for it." or "I'd like it if you would tell me by text if you are upset."

OBSERVATION, FEELING, NEED, REQUEST

• "I observed..[pure observation, without meanings implied]..."
• "And when I observed that, I felt..[single word]..."
• "Because I really value....(need)"
• "Would you be willing to....(request)"

Give each other feedback on your draft:

• Is the observation pure, without any judgement mixed in?
• Is the feeling a single word, without any intellectual analysis?
• Is the request an observable, clear action?

General Notes

• The need is often the inverse of the feeling. E.g. I feel disconnected, so I may very likely need connection.
• What does it look like having our needs met?
• It's also important to empathise with the other person. Make a compassionate guess of what the other is feeling or needing.
• 'Any cruel or tragic behaviour is a sign of an unmet need'
• Sometimes you have to reiterate your needs, observations and feelings.
• If we're already feeling confrontational it's likely we'll hear observations as judgements.
• After making a request consider that they might not know how to fulfil that request. If in a partnership and you request, e.g., 'to be included in the decision-making process', you need to go into detail on how that could look. For instance, 'I'd like it if you were to consult me before you physcially change the space.'
• The method (observation, feeling, need, request) is an internal process that helps you solve the problem. Then you can have the conversation in real terms. The steps allow you to get beyond your own interpretation.
• The techniques we're learning are like training wheels. Once you grow you won't need them anymore.

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